[Stella's daily confessions. I dare to confess, i love to express & i live to impress]

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Advanced girls hip hop was terrible today. The dance steps were too fast. I couldn't catch up. Well, i should console myself that since it's my first time learning hip hop and i didn't learn well, it should be okay but instead i kept calling myself a dumbo. I guess that would probably make me practise harder. I don't know why i'm putting so much pressure on myself. Prob it's because its something that i really like and i wanna do well. i'm sure everyone wants to do well at something they like.

I came back and practised for another hour. Today's lessons didn't make me sweat that much cos i wasn't able to catch up so i came back and gave myself an intensive training of street jazz plus hip hop and pespire like crazy. I do like girls hip hop after attending today's lessons, lotsa sticking chest & butt out, very sexy moves as well. But i don't understand why they only have advanced classes. It does fear me for having thoughts of next week lessons, i'm gona be stressed up durin the lessons. I kept frowning instead of smiling today.

I thought of attending dance class tomorrow again. It's J/K pop jam tomorrow (those moves u see in japanese & korean MTV) and i'm determined to go for street jazz this sunday again. I know its crazy. But i enjoy it (though i'm stressed each time during lessons) and i believe practise makes perfect. i wanna be consistent. Stella must make it. Stella cannot be a dumbo.

I'm gonna buy huge mirrors so that i can have a condusive environment to dance at home or at the hostel.

i cried my heart out at 8:25 PM

My muscles are achin & my spine hurts cos many sets of sit-ups were done on the hard parquet floor yesterday. Hah. I knew i will wake up feeling achy. But i will still go for the hip hop lessons tonight, by hook or by crook. I'll try to use less energy today. But 'hip-hop'....hmm...there's gona be lotsa jumping & swaying. How can i avoid using my strength?

I'm putting myself on intensive training so that i can learn faster and school's starting in 3 weeks time. I guess if i can survive thru tonight's hip-hop, i will go for street jazz classes on Sunday again. It's really tough but i want my passion to keep running. Today, i suddenly have the idea of learning yoga but probably when school commences. I still wanna sign up for extra 13 dance classes after my current 13 classes end. so 'keep goin' i tell myself. I'm sorta of a person who gives up easily for lotsa stuff but i'm determined to dance. I get stressed by my slow ability to catch the dance steps but i'll try extra hard.

i cried my heart out at 10:05 AM

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

i'm shagged but i'm overjoyed!! I sweat buckets during the two & a half hours of street jazz. It was extremely fun but it wasn't easy. 5,6,7,8...and go...1,2,3,4 and step, and turn..and stomp..non stop. Its all about the body posture,throwing your body away but keepin it steady,feeling the rhythm, co-ordinating arms and legs and make a big turn and come back with an impact posture..

The music was fantastic. Justin timberlake, Gwen stefani -hollaback girl and so much more. Now i know why J.Lo has abs! Street jazz is all about concentrating on your abs and pulling the muscle in. Lotsa energy gota be let out for all the movements. After the classes, i gobbled down 8 cups of water and a bottle of H20. My legs were like jello. Becos there were warm up exercises before the dances and we had to do pump-ups, sit ups, stretching & more. It took up quite alot of energy before moving to the dance. I was holding my last breath til the end of the lessons.

I could feel the abs now, seriously. I was concentrating so much on the abs area while dancing (well, that's what the instructor wants us to do) and i came out with my abs feeling so hard & tough. Haha. I asked my cousin to feel it and she was like, 'Wow, you're gona have abs in no time!' Yes!!! I want that! laughs

I am kinda slow, very slow. I really wanna catch up and practise hard. The instructor told me that she thought that i have dance background when they saw me learning the steps and when they turn on the music for the real show,they were all eyein on me while i was dancing. That made me so stress that i lost my concentration. I don't think that was nice, it made me panick & afraid that i'll lose my steps. I just adore those instructors, they were so cool while dancing. They are all professionals whom they learn dancing from Janet jackson instructor & won ample awards. Cool! I'm simply an amatuer.

I'm not game for tommorow's girls hip hop. Its advanced classes and i'm sure i'll be real slow. But never mind, cos i wanna learn those sexy moves. Girl's hip hop consist of alot of sassy moves like hitting the butt and swayin your body like you have no skeletons. Haha, take my time then. Hopefully i won't wake up with aches all over tomorrow. I came back & practised just now..and i'm completely shagged.

i cried my heart out at 6:41 AM

Monday, June 27, 2005

Move over stupid IBM..here comes my precious little Mac ibook!!!! Delighted..Muackies to my new laptop.

i cried my heart out at 7:11 PM

I registered for my dance class today!! And i'll be starting on Wednesday. Will be starting to learn street jazz first on wednesday and on thursday, i will be going for girls hip hop. Yeah!!!! I'm starting to feel the beat & rhythm. Excited..........my cousin is as excited as me.....cos we we will be going for classes together.

I made my purchase for Mac ibook today also. I'm smiling outside but kind of bleeding inside..Thousands throw into it. I hate myself i hate myself i hate myself...but i love my ibook, i love my ibook, i love my ibook. My parents are kinda cool with me buying a new laptop & throwing aside the old laptop that they bought for me. Geez. So glad..i thought they will stop me from making this rash decision. It was just a thought in my mind two days ago..& it became a reality.

The dance classes & the new laptop really are heavy expenses. I'll try to be thrifty. Stella must try hard...very hard. Beams.

i cried my heart out at 5:17 AM

Sunday, June 26, 2005

My sis just bought a new laptop..so she returned the old laptop to me. I was happy initially til i realized 'hmm..this ain't something that i wanna use anymore during my stay in the hostel'. A laptop is gonna be very significant for me for the fact that i'm staying alone. watch vcds, play music & of course it gotta look stylish. Hah. So the first thing that came to my mind 'Mac ibook'

Urgh..Moving out simply means throwing cash away. I'm paying for my own accomodation & living expenses and now i gota splurge on new furnitures and a laptop. Cheapest notebook cost at least $2300. I was planning to save up lotsa money for travel next year. Seems like now i gotta take out some from there. What shall i do? I'm someone who always wanna get whatever i want. Grr..hate myself..haha..

i cried my heart out at 2:04 AM

Saturday, June 25, 2005

i had a good dream yesterday. I dreamt that i was in Toronto!! And i was smiling so happily and excited. Prob it was becos ber called me at night yesterday. Haha..that's why i would have sucha dream. It was kind of real...maybe i really miss Toronto too much. I'm contented enough to at least dream. Sigh.

i was flipping thru mags yesterday to find furniture for my new room. Excited & apprehensive as well. Don't know what to expect.. pray hard..its gona be a good stay.

i cried my heart out at 11:10 PM

I've finally taken up the courage to fill in the application form for NTU hostel today. Its really a nerve-wrecking decision for me. "Yes" and "No" kept swaying in my head. But after my mum passed the newspapers to me regarding the hostel stays for students in NTU & NUS, i finally made up my mind.

It's time to be independant again. Really independant. I've just taken one big step by travelling alone, but that isn't independant enough..cos i stayed with my cousin. I have to rid that phobia of living alone. I want to decorate the room & make it as cosy as my own room. I want to have time by myself, without my parents naggin everyday. I want to go back to my room after classes, listen to music, daydream on my bed & eat my lunch or dinner or even snack at any time i wish. I wanna go out late at night with my friends & creep back to my room. I want to further understand myself betta. Sometimes i find that i'm too lost when i have people around me,that i do not have the time to know myself in-depth. And that is truly important to me. Its time i know who i really am. I can't lead a life so vaguely. Life is not about waking up, eating breakfast, lunch and dinner, going to work, then going back to sleep at night.

However i kind of pity my parents. My sis is going to Japan coming july for 2 years & i'll be moving into my hostel around the second week of july. The house gona be quiet and dinners will just be left with both of them at the dining table. I guess that will be the time when they start to miss their two little girls' squabbles. But i guess this is part of growing up. We have to leave our parents somehow. I'll try to make it home for dinner when my lessons end early or during the weekends. It's betta than me trying to hitch a cab every morning to school & rushing with time. I'll lead a very stressful life just by travelling to that inconvenient school.

I'll start to hunt for furnitures soon..Kinda happy. I'm starting to really think that 2005 is sucha overwhelming year for me to cope with endless changes & challenges that are put before me. *Phew. They better be good ones that mould me to be a stronger girl.

so itsy witsy bitch..fcuk off. Grr. Or i'll kick your ass. *Poof*

i cried my heart out at 10:18 PM

Stuck at home on a Saturday..How good can it gets?

And now its raining heavily at 11am. Maybe its a sign that i should stay at home. Pathetic. I have a choice of going downtown. But that would be only for awhile so might as well stay at home. Brew some 'O-cha', flip through the mags that i bought from London (their magz are so much better than Her world or Female)..maybe it wouldn't be that boring.."maybe"

It's gona be my day if it didn't rain. I would grab my beach mat, magazines, a pop & shades, then strut down to Sentosa alone to have a time by my own. I always can't wait to do that. But would it be freaky to be alone? maybe its gona be weird. I guess its really not easy to do stuff by myself in Singapore. I thought of going to Borders alone & indulge myself with the books sometimes, but have not done so. Haha. What am i thinking?

Mum went driving with the new car my dad bought. Guess she is gona freak out when its pouring heavily but then again..her driving skills ain't that bad. Hah. Yippeeeeeeeee.....at least i gota be alone at home. Grins. That would be comforting wouldn't it.

I am anticipating for Tuesday to sign up for my dance classes..and keep myself busy. Its gona be tough. But hopefully when i do the stuff that i have passion for, tough can be enjoyable yea. For friends who thinks that it would be scary for me to learn hip hop..Chill buds, hip hop does not equals to break dance. Laughs.

i cried my heart out at 8:04 PM

my sis made our bear fly out from the window..she is actually out of the hotel window and the cloudy stuff are the fog and mist

i cried my heart out at 10:26 AM

Oh my darling i love you..and i always will

i cried my heart out at 10:10 AM

Shy smiles...at the peak of cameron highlands

i cried my heart out at 10:06 AM

we are not only obessed with ourselves you know. There are little things that we are on the lookout for...for e.g. this dead bug.

i cried my heart out at 9:53 AM

do u want some of my strawberry ice cream?

i cried my heart out at 9:43 AM

Posing with our funny wigs on...Haha..Unglam unglam

i cried my heart out at 9:35 AM

This is real funny...I asked my little cousin to act as spiderman to attack me while i'm being serious reading my papers.

i cried my heart out at 9:30 AM

Oooohhhhhh yummmyyyyy...

i cried my heart out at 9:28 AM

she is my sweetheart...

i cried my heart out at 9:22 AM

What a big family.....I love my family!!! Laughs

i cried my heart out at 9:16 AM

Geez...my cousin just send me the pics from her digi cam..Haha..Look!! A cat popped up and there is a cow behind me if you noticed..

i cried my heart out at 9:12 AM

Friday, June 24, 2005

Gona sign up for street jazz & girls hip hop soon next week & will be joining my cousin. Sooooo excited...im so delighted!!! can't take my mind off it.

Ciara, Jolin tsai, Missy Elliot, J. Lo, Britney spears, Boa..All the dance moves..Aaahhhh, i'm flying to cloud nine.

i cried my heart out at 1:14 AM

Thursday, June 23, 2005

I cut my hair today..$40 bucks just for a haircut..*shocked..haha. Okie not very shocked but just felt a little unbearable to part with my $4o bucks just to snip off few strands of hair.

Went shopping today...the weirdest thing that has happened to me...I don't know how to shop in Singapore anymore. For the past two weeks, i have been going to town but i don't see anything i fancy. *Wails... Everything is just not to my liking. If only i can fly back to Canada and grab all the professional working clothes for NIE. It will take me a while to start going crazy with shopping in Singapore again. All my clothes now are just not suitable for NIE, no miniskirts. Kill me.

Johan johan...are there alot of things u gota help me bring back to singapore? My bubble gum, marcaroni & cheese, crest whitestrips, bible and? Help me get something from GAP pls...I need some working clothes..*innocent look* plssssssss........

i cried my heart out at 7:06 AM

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

i had a nightmare yesterday..everything that has happened to me before i left Canada came into my dreams.

i woke up & sorta felt relieved. all i could say to myself was 'everything is over' to calm myself down. But i started to recall & remember all the shit i had to go through during March & April. All the tears, lies, loneliness, hurts, disappointment, worst of all happened during my final exams, and the many people who hurt me directly or indirectly during that period, i could felt everything so strongly, as if it has just happened.

I don't want to be trapped in this dream. I was alright after i went to Canada. I'm gonna be okay. I'm not letting all the dreams haunt my happiness.

i cried my heart out at 9:45 PM

I miss my friends..and the view of CN tower..

i cried my heart out at 8:26 AM

I miss this window & sofa couch..its the place that i hang out often on it. I miss looking out of the window looking at cars passing by.

i cried my heart out at 8:23 AM

I miss the clear blue sky that never seemed to bore me during the car rides..It captivates me & brings me to neverland.

i cried my heart out at 8:18 AM

I miss 513 wilson heights Ontario Toronto & the huge space wagon that brings us to faraway places

i cried my heart out at 8:15 AM

i see a new me, a fresh life this year at the age of 22.

i'm gonna have a better life from now..and it all depends on me to find my own happiness. i entrust it to God to walk with me.

i cried my heart out at 4:04 AM

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Johan, i told u my sis look like evelyn tan. Now you see it yea. Ur idol...laughs

i cried my heart out at 8:45 AM

sigh..should i keep it long once again..I realized i do not have much long curly hair pics, so jason sorry gota publicized your face here. taken in Jan 2004.

i cried my heart out at 8:31 AM

i happen to see this old pic & kind of miss my long wavy hair..haha..Jason sorry to put this pic up. i'm so used to my short hair now that i think having long hair seems weird.

i cried my heart out at 8:22 AM