Sunday, July 31, 2005
No classes tomorrow! Staying at home sweet home. Weekends passed really quickly & i have not done any work. Didn't even go out with anyone except spend time with my family. Cos my mum's pretty lonely & i had to be an understanding daughter!
Went back to NTU just to move my TV to my room. University really aint easy & totally different from polytechnics. Tonnes of reading has to be done for just one assignment & i heard from everyone that that's the style in a Uni. Lotsa independent reading & writing reports. The tonnes of paper that the lecturer gave was so intimidating. I couldn't even bring myself to pick it up & read. Haha. Oops..i gave myself away that i haven't done any homework. Guilt. i will start tomorrow! Hee.
No classes tomorrow! Staying at home sweet home. Weekends passed really quickly & i have not done any work. Didn't even go out with anyone except spend time with my family. Cos my mum's pretty lonely & i had to be an understanding daughter!
Went back to NTU just to move my TV to my room. University really aint easy & totally different from polytechnics. Tonnes of reading has to be done for just one assignment & i heard from everyone that that's the style in a Uni. Lotsa independent reading & writing reports. The tonnes of paper that the lecturer gave was so intimidating. I couldn't even bring myself to pick it up & read. Haha. Oops..i gave myself away that i haven't done any homework. Guilt. i will start tomorrow! Hee.
i cried my heart out at 6:04 AM
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Backed from the airport. Expected that my mum would definetly cry and she did. I guess she should be immuned that my sis just love to go overseas & not come back home for few years. She said the house seemed quiet & cold without our voices. She is proud of her two daughters being in the education profession leading & nuturing the future generation. Haha. She should be a teacher then.
My cousins, aunt & uncle were all there. My cousins noticed that i am taller now. Haha. So i guess its 'clinically' proven that stella has really grown taller after everyone seemed to tell me the same thing. I noticed it myself too,esp when i stand beside my sis..people always think i'm the elder sis. I thought she shrunk but she didn't. "Onechan matte kudasai. Nihon kitto e ikimasu. Hontou. Buchan mo ikimashoo, shinpai shi naide"
My cousins & i were chatting bout the pros & cons of being a steward/ess. Well it always seem great to have chances of travelling to many places in the world. But i asked my cousin a Q which i have pondered at the age of 16 (after my 'O's when my mum asked me to go for an interview featured in the newspapers) Do you want a job that ask 'Sir or Mdm, Tea or coffee, chicken or fish' everyday? She agreed with what i say. And do you want to have a stable r/s? without having to think of what your boyfriend is doing in your hometown?
It does seem all perfect travelling everywhere. But when i asked myself these Q, i know i do not want a life like a waitress pouring wine or serving food. I personally would get really tired one day. And if i were to have problems with my partner, that would be hell in the plane. I may one day be one esp when i don't find Mr right so travelling everywhere doesn't matter, just like how my cousin & i felt, but not now. I wanna pursue education first & to me, having the money to travel as tourists would be much better instead of rushing with the limited time given to spare. Each profession has things that outsiders would not understand. Just like being a teacher. People might think that teachers are nerdy & boring. But seriously, think twice. The teachers i know nowadays club like any other human being.
There is a doggie show in expo tommorow. My cousins gonna bring their jack russel called 'Chocolate' for a day of fun. I wanna see my dear little doggies shih tzu & maltese. :)
Backed from the airport. Expected that my mum would definetly cry and she did. I guess she should be immuned that my sis just love to go overseas & not come back home for few years. She said the house seemed quiet & cold without our voices. She is proud of her two daughters being in the education profession leading & nuturing the future generation. Haha. She should be a teacher then.
My cousins, aunt & uncle were all there. My cousins noticed that i am taller now. Haha. So i guess its 'clinically' proven that stella has really grown taller after everyone seemed to tell me the same thing. I noticed it myself too,esp when i stand beside my sis..people always think i'm the elder sis. I thought she shrunk but she didn't. "Onechan matte kudasai. Nihon kitto e ikimasu. Hontou. Buchan mo ikimashoo, shinpai shi naide"
My cousins & i were chatting bout the pros & cons of being a steward/ess. Well it always seem great to have chances of travelling to many places in the world. But i asked my cousin a Q which i have pondered at the age of 16 (after my 'O's when my mum asked me to go for an interview featured in the newspapers) Do you want a job that ask 'Sir or Mdm, Tea or coffee, chicken or fish' everyday? She agreed with what i say. And do you want to have a stable r/s? without having to think of what your boyfriend is doing in your hometown?
It does seem all perfect travelling everywhere. But when i asked myself these Q, i know i do not want a life like a waitress pouring wine or serving food. I personally would get really tired one day. And if i were to have problems with my partner, that would be hell in the plane. I may one day be one esp when i don't find Mr right so travelling everywhere doesn't matter, just like how my cousin & i felt, but not now. I wanna pursue education first & to me, having the money to travel as tourists would be much better instead of rushing with the limited time given to spare. Each profession has things that outsiders would not understand. Just like being a teacher. People might think that teachers are nerdy & boring. But seriously, think twice. The teachers i know nowadays club like any other human being.
There is a doggie show in expo tommorow. My cousins gonna bring their jack russel called 'Chocolate' for a day of fun. I wanna see my dear little doggies shih tzu & maltese. :)
i cried my heart out at 11:05 PM
Moi sista is flying off to Tokyo today! And won't be back for years! Earthquake in Tokyo has been rather bad these few days. Oh my. 'Totemo abunai desu ne!'
I'll most likely fly there in November during my hols to meet her. 4 months more to go. Again i'll make it a long trip if possible, like a month. Anticipating. It's winter in Nov-Dec. Yippee..i wanna snow-board!
I'm starting to think its a blessin in disguise for my broken r/s. Girl, you wanna take my old shoes..take all you want! Happy & blessed in your r/s, that's wonderful! New things doesn't come if old things stay for me. So its purrfect for everyone, everyone's happy! :)
i cried my heart out at 10:52 PM
Friday, July 29, 2005
School has been fun and relaxing for the whole week. Yesterday i had a 'Teambonding' orientation and managed to meet new friends or should i call them my fellow collegues as well. It's great having to know so many new trainee teachers teaching various subjects ranging from English, Chinese and PE. However, i'm the only one who is gonna teach in a Secondary school while majority of them in a Primary sch. Phew i prefer Secondary school. I adore my students like my friends. They all go 'Wow,you so small size go secondary school..sure get bullied easily' (which i have heard this 1001 times)
I used to have this dead thinking that all teachers are old, sulky and boring. BUT, entering into NIE changed my perception immediately. I realized that the new generation of teachers has evolved. No more old hags or nerdy maths teacher. There were tremendously loads of young trainee teachers, majority in the age group of early to mid-twenties. They are fun & just like any other young adults! There were ample pretty ladies & man(emphasize the word 'man' as most of them were mature & spoke with confidence)Childish guys definetly are not qualified to be teachers. Laughs.
We even had to play waterbombs during the teambonding orientation & imagined few hundreds teachers trying to bomb one another. It would be hilarious if our students get to see sucha scene. The teachers were trying to allie with one another but once the bombing starts, they betrayed one another. Haha. I was chosen to be the 'mascot' cos i'm sorta the smallest size in my group & i was wearing a white polo tee so they wanted to protect me from getting bombed & wet. The girls were hugging me and the guys were standing in a circle(they were tall & fit enough to act as a wall barrier)It was really funny. Through many of the interesting games yesterday, we instantly became from acquaintances to friends. Our group was saying 'touch here or touch there' when we were blind-folded & the instructors shouted 'Guys, don't anyhow touch & don't touch the wrong places!' & when we came up with a plan to cheat, the instructors said 'Teachers don't cheat' and all the teachers rebuked 'Teachers also humans what!' New Generation Teachers! HAHAHA. HIP!
Oh by the way, girls don't be surprised that a guy in my group is called Clement. Yes...'Cle'...'ment' Okie? Not 'Cla'...'rence' I was pretty surprised when he introduced himself & i was like 'Okay...why this name & in my group?' Haha.
I do feel the atmosphere in NIE. The passion of being an inspiring teacher. That's what i wanna be for that five years. We hear this everyday in NIE 'You teachers make a difference in their lives' which i totally agree that we educate students & nuture them to become useful & mature adults. Now as a trainee, i really realized that teachers play a very meaningful role in everyone. And the good ones leave a deep impact. Thus i aspire to be one with no doubts though i do not intend to stay in the education line for long. I know i have the passion for my students when i was teaching in TSS. I would love to teach in ZHSS next year! Gimme a mixed school!
*you could never believe that a student in NTU actually drives an AE-86 to school! YES! The exact same car with the japanese wordings in the Initial-D movie. Its sooooooo cute. I saw it once at night when i was going back to my hostel & i was so amazed & excited. Today, me & my friends saw it again, parked nicely enough for them to take pictures of it! Once they upload the pics, i'm gonna post them in my bloggie. Stay tuned to AE-86! Life in NTU is rather cool! HAHA
Well wishes..HAPPY 22nd BIRTHDAY Mr Bang!
School has been fun and relaxing for the whole week. Yesterday i had a 'Teambonding' orientation and managed to meet new friends or should i call them my fellow collegues as well. It's great having to know so many new trainee teachers teaching various subjects ranging from English, Chinese and PE. However, i'm the only one who is gonna teach in a Secondary school while majority of them in a Primary sch. Phew i prefer Secondary school. I adore my students like my friends. They all go 'Wow,you so small size go secondary school..sure get bullied easily' (which i have heard this 1001 times)
I used to have this dead thinking that all teachers are old, sulky and boring. BUT, entering into NIE changed my perception immediately. I realized that the new generation of teachers has evolved. No more old hags or nerdy maths teacher. There were tremendously loads of young trainee teachers, majority in the age group of early to mid-twenties. They are fun & just like any other young adults! There were ample pretty ladies & man(emphasize the word 'man' as most of them were mature & spoke with confidence)Childish guys definetly are not qualified to be teachers. Laughs.
We even had to play waterbombs during the teambonding orientation & imagined few hundreds teachers trying to bomb one another. It would be hilarious if our students get to see sucha scene. The teachers were trying to allie with one another but once the bombing starts, they betrayed one another. Haha. I was chosen to be the 'mascot' cos i'm sorta the smallest size in my group & i was wearing a white polo tee so they wanted to protect me from getting bombed & wet. The girls were hugging me and the guys were standing in a circle(they were tall & fit enough to act as a wall barrier)It was really funny. Through many of the interesting games yesterday, we instantly became from acquaintances to friends. Our group was saying 'touch here or touch there' when we were blind-folded & the instructors shouted 'Guys, don't anyhow touch & don't touch the wrong places!' & when we came up with a plan to cheat, the instructors said 'Teachers don't cheat' and all the teachers rebuked 'Teachers also humans what!' New Generation Teachers! HAHAHA. HIP!
Oh by the way, girls don't be surprised that a guy in my group is called Clement. Yes...'Cle'...'ment' Okie? Not 'Cla'...'rence' I was pretty surprised when he introduced himself & i was like 'Okay...why this name & in my group?' Haha.
I do feel the atmosphere in NIE. The passion of being an inspiring teacher. That's what i wanna be for that five years. We hear this everyday in NIE 'You teachers make a difference in their lives' which i totally agree that we educate students & nuture them to become useful & mature adults. Now as a trainee, i really realized that teachers play a very meaningful role in everyone. And the good ones leave a deep impact. Thus i aspire to be one with no doubts though i do not intend to stay in the education line for long. I know i have the passion for my students when i was teaching in TSS. I would love to teach in ZHSS next year! Gimme a mixed school!
*you could never believe that a student in NTU actually drives an AE-86 to school! YES! The exact same car with the japanese wordings in the Initial-D movie. Its sooooooo cute. I saw it once at night when i was going back to my hostel & i was so amazed & excited. Today, me & my friends saw it again, parked nicely enough for them to take pictures of it! Once they upload the pics, i'm gonna post them in my bloggie. Stay tuned to AE-86! Life in NTU is rather cool! HAHA
Well wishes..HAPPY 22nd BIRTHDAY Mr Bang!
i cried my heart out at 4:30 AM
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Backed to my 'chalet'! Went to NUS in the afternoon with Johan to send in his form & to view the residence he is probably gonna stay in August. So condominum look-alike & the environment is nice.
NUS is definetly nicer than NTU, envious..stupid Johan. Haha. Went to Jurong point supermarket thereafter to shop for my groceries. Moving out really taught me to be a little more wise with money & cut down on luxurious foodstuffs. It's really difficult to think of what to buy & cook for one person's meal.
Johan had to be my free labour today helping me carry my bag the whole day that weigh at least 5kg. Haha..filled with clothes, shoes and my precious imac. Owe him an abalone porridge. Invite u next time when i cook it!
Right, i am going to press my clothings with my friends in the lounge now. Tata for now.
Backed to my 'chalet'! Went to NUS in the afternoon with Johan to send in his form & to view the residence he is probably gonna stay in August. So condominum look-alike & the environment is nice.
NUS is definetly nicer than NTU, envious..stupid Johan. Haha. Went to Jurong point supermarket thereafter to shop for my groceries. Moving out really taught me to be a little more wise with money & cut down on luxurious foodstuffs. It's really difficult to think of what to buy & cook for one person's meal.
Johan had to be my free labour today helping me carry my bag the whole day that weigh at least 5kg. Haha..filled with clothes, shoes and my precious imac. Owe him an abalone porridge. Invite u next time when i cook it!
Right, i am going to press my clothings with my friends in the lounge now. Tata for now.
i cried my heart out at 6:51 AM
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Gorgeous babe...phew..i'm gonna faint. She is what i deem beautiful.
P.S. Rufhie, she is one of the twins called Gillian. Maybe becos she wear specs, you can't recognize her. She wear specs still so pretty..haha. U said look like me? Wait long long & if only...hahaha
Gorgeous babe...phew..i'm gonna faint. She is what i deem beautiful.
P.S. Rufhie, she is one of the twins called Gillian. Maybe becos she wear specs, you can't recognize her. She wear specs still so pretty..haha. U said look like me? Wait long long & if only...hahaha
i cried my heart out at 5:43 AM
my favourite place in the room..neater look now..
i cried my heart out at 4:10 AM
My hostel study table. Messy filled with stuff as i was packing halfway..My fav clock on the left and my canada flag that makes me smile on the right.
i cried my heart out at 4:07 AM
I'm back to my home sweet home today cos there is no orientation tomorrow & none of us wanna stay in the hostel! Yippee
Once i reached home, i hugged my teddie so tight. Miss her sooo much. Gonna steal her back to my hostel when my sis ain't around.
I predict i'm gonna put on a little weight. My mum bought a huge bottle of nutella (my fav!) for me & i gorged down half bottle within two days in the hostel. *Guilt.
Saw my roomie yesterday. Asked her how old she is & she said 'erm i am very old actually..' so i said 'what do you mean by very old then?'...she said 'i'm turning 21 this year.' I was like 'U call that old? I'm really old then..i'm 22' She said 'U look so young!'..haha..looks are real deceiving. My first night with a stranger. Still alright.
Jurong's thunder really scare the hell outta us. All of us including other doors were woken up by the loud boom, like an explosion in the wee hours, disturbing my sleep. Hmph! Anyway, my time-table's out and if there ain't much changes, i guess the hours looked pretty cool. I guess its more like short hours in school but lotsa independent work at home.
i cried my heart out at 3:17 AM
Monday, July 25, 2005
Aiyoh if u realized..i'm the only girl staying in NTU that is single. Meijiao,Wendy,April,Audrey all have stable boyfriends and jeslyn has her hubby...i'm the little girl that has no one for company, especially when their boyfriends come over. Haha. They have boyfriends coming over & accompanying them for dinner or go to Jurong point for a little stroll. So sweet!! Meijiao & her boyf even bought snacks late at night for me & Jeslyn. Oh my..i'm gonna be humongous.
But nah,i'm not upset. Haha,cos i choose to be single. I like my life alone at the moment, til i bump into my Mr Right. Which will never never appear..Pray to god i'll meet a good guy then! Good luck to rufhie & liting too..Majority of the clique are happily in a r/s...'one' getting enagaged soon..clap clap! ;)
oh anyway i noticed that they pasted calvin & hobbes comic strips behind the toilet doors of our hostel & its really funny. I really like the way hobbes pretend to be just a teddie when the mom or calvin's dad appear & it becomes alive again when it's alone with Calvin. sooooo kawaii !!!!!!
Aiyoh if u realized..i'm the only girl staying in NTU that is single. Meijiao,Wendy,April,Audrey all have stable boyfriends and jeslyn has her hubby...i'm the little girl that has no one for company, especially when their boyfriends come over. Haha. They have boyfriends coming over & accompanying them for dinner or go to Jurong point for a little stroll. So sweet!! Meijiao & her boyf even bought snacks late at night for me & Jeslyn. Oh my..i'm gonna be humongous.
But nah,i'm not upset. Haha,cos i choose to be single. I like my life alone at the moment, til i bump into my Mr Right. Which will never never appear..Pray to god i'll meet a good guy then! Good luck to rufhie & liting too..Majority of the clique are happily in a r/s...'one' getting enagaged soon..clap clap! ;)
oh anyway i noticed that they pasted calvin & hobbes comic strips behind the toilet doors of our hostel & its really funny. I really like the way hobbes pretend to be just a teddie when the mom or calvin's dad appear & it becomes alive again when it's alone with Calvin. sooooo kawaii !!!!!!
i cried my heart out at 8:14 AM
hey bitch shuddap shuddap, just shuddap shuddap,shut it up just shuddap. ;)
i cried my heart out at 2:17 AM
Day one in my University..the feeling..hmm..sorta feel happy & fresh yet the old memories in TP still lingers in my mind.
Finally the day comes when we are not so much considered as students but "teachers". A grown-up feeling.
Its weird to get outta bed & stroll to school and then after a long day of orientation today, stroll back to the room & blast the room with r&b & soul music. *thinking of what to cook for dinner..slurp.
Many people have already visited my room even though i moved in only yesterday. Haha. Bangwei said i seem to be living in a different world with my roomie cos i made the side of my room pretty & cosy while the other side looked plain. That's how a hostel room should be. Done up and cosy so that it makes you feel like home. Some commented that it felt like war is approaching cos we have foodstuffs stocked up in the cupboard..and yesterday while Johan was helping me move my mattress over to meijiao & jeslyn's room, he felt that i seemed to be holidaying in a chalet. Haha..At night as i was brushing teeth in the common toilet, i thought that it seemed like we are in a girl's home or something..in a prison with people carrying their toothbrushes & mugs.
Well, its an experience i guess. To be staying in a hostel. Anyway, its not gonna be permanent. The feeling of youth comes alive (okay i know i'm like a little kid already) but school starts to seem fun living in a hostel & friends taking care of one another. And at times after school or within breaks, friends could come into our nest for hang-out. I can't believe im in "UNIVERSITY" i told rufhie. It's great..some advancement in life.
Orientation's gonna last for the whole of this week. Which means 'NO STUDYING' for the moment! Wooohoooo..Slack & treat this place like a chalet..haha.
i cried my heart out at 1:29 AM
Sunday, July 24, 2005
HOUSE MOVING today..
SCHOOL RE-OPENS tommorow..
Aaaaaahhh....
HOUSE MOVING today..
SCHOOL RE-OPENS tommorow..
Aaaaaahhh....
i cried my heart out at 9:00 PM
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Going to Rasa Sentosa Hotel for exquisite buffet in the evening! Yippeee..My sis is leaving for Japan next saturday, so it's a little celebration for her.
Gonna miss my room..Last night to sleep in today. Sobs..my girlie cosy room. tata..
Update: i had a heartful dinner of chilli crabs, prawns, various types of sushi, lamb chop, roast chicken, yummy desserts, chocolate cake, cheese cake, ice-cream, garden salad, different types of appetizer..oh gosh still many left to be mentioned and i can't remember. The dinner was puurrrrfect.....
Going to Rasa Sentosa Hotel for exquisite buffet in the evening! Yippeee..My sis is leaving for Japan next saturday, so it's a little celebration for her.
Gonna miss my room..Last night to sleep in today. Sobs..my girlie cosy room. tata..
Update: i had a heartful dinner of chilli crabs, prawns, various types of sushi, lamb chop, roast chicken, yummy desserts, chocolate cake, cheese cake, ice-cream, garden salad, different types of appetizer..oh gosh still many left to be mentioned and i can't remember. The dinner was puurrrrfect.....
i cried my heart out at 1:25 AM
Friday, July 22, 2005
I became a 'tour guide' today!
Met Johan at PS Macdonald's. I was starving & had to grab a bite so i met him at Mac. I knew he was gonna say ' U think Canada don't have Macdonald's? Why you wanna bring me to eat in here?' haha & really he did say that. Oops, sorry lah, it's cheap & i'm too hungry to think of other food to eat.
We walked around PS as he wanna check out how PS has changed for the past one year. He didn't see any babes today..even when we sat at Starbucks for chit-chat..the view was bland. Hah. I suggested to bring him to Serangoon garden's Chomp Chomp for delicious food. But before that, i invited him to my house to catch a glimpse of his idol - Evelyn Tan (my sis..laughs) but too bad she weren't at home. So Johan saw my parents instead & my mum chatted with him.
We ordered so much food. Rojak, BBQ chicken wings, sting ray, dried noodles & sugar cane..Even though Johan was craving for ice kachang, he couldn't put that in any more in his stomach. I really think its weird. When we go out in Canada, we were always wrapped up in thick jackets & always stepping into restaurants or having buffet. Hmmph..miss that place. :) my paradize....Weeee!!
Anyway, thank you those who commented that my blog skin is nice! I love Boa, even though its a little simple & plain, she would just take your breathe away yea! ;)
I became a 'tour guide' today!
Met Johan at PS Macdonald's. I was starving & had to grab a bite so i met him at Mac. I knew he was gonna say ' U think Canada don't have Macdonald's? Why you wanna bring me to eat in here?' haha & really he did say that. Oops, sorry lah, it's cheap & i'm too hungry to think of other food to eat.
We walked around PS as he wanna check out how PS has changed for the past one year. He didn't see any babes today..even when we sat at Starbucks for chit-chat..the view was bland. Hah. I suggested to bring him to Serangoon garden's Chomp Chomp for delicious food. But before that, i invited him to my house to catch a glimpse of his idol - Evelyn Tan (my sis..laughs) but too bad she weren't at home. So Johan saw my parents instead & my mum chatted with him.
We ordered so much food. Rojak, BBQ chicken wings, sting ray, dried noodles & sugar cane..Even though Johan was craving for ice kachang, he couldn't put that in any more in his stomach. I really think its weird. When we go out in Canada, we were always wrapped up in thick jackets & always stepping into restaurants or having buffet. Hmmph..miss that place. :) my paradize....Weeee!!
Anyway, thank you those who commented that my blog skin is nice! I love Boa, even though its a little simple & plain, she would just take your breathe away yea! ;)
i cried my heart out at 8:50 AM
Thursday, July 21, 2005
muackies..im in love..with my dance..
muackies..im in love..with my dance..
i cried my heart out at 11:00 PM
I'm a pink panther..
i cried my heart out at 10:54 PM
The minute i woke up, i had difficulties gettin out of bed..thinking that it was because of my knee joints aching (i had this since few days ago), i lifted my knee up & saw many bruises on each of my knee. Boy are they swelled & ugly..it's due to the sliding on the floor countless times yesterday. small sacrifices for my passion. Its painful while i walk but never mind. No pain no gain. *i must be crazy. Hah.
i cried my heart out at 9:39 PM
Aah, praise god! My prayers before the dance lessons worked! Thank god! i was able to dance throughout for both lessons (step groove & girls hip hop) even though my steps were not that smooth still...but i managed to catch up and i'm glad enough. Its a great feeling to complete the whole dance & finally have that groove & wanting more. (P.S. i did not frown nor stop dancing halfway and i'm happy even if it's just for today.)
It wasn't that exhausting even though we were working our whole body out non stop for two hours..because once you start to feel the beat in you, you just wanna keep going. After the lessons, me & alyssa were still talking & laughin..and not panting. The songs they played today would just make you wanna move your body. Gwen stefani 'Rich girl, Hollaback girl', and a Korean r&b plus hip hop song that i fell in love with but i don't know the title. Sooo nice!! Oops..yea..haha..Gracie, i've only left two more dance classes so i've gota sign up for another package. Within 3 weeks, i attended eleven dance lessons..that's why.
Girl's hip hop is a very popular class, packed with so many students in the studio everytime, i couldn't really see the instructor hidden in the crowd. Btw, alyssa & i were wearing caps for classes today. It was like magic. Once the cap was on, our hip hop rhythm just flows. Laughs & chokes. True enough yea alyssa. haha..*Winks.
Mr DJ is back in the house!! Freshly flown all the way from Canada (erm transit halfway at Taiwan to say hi to the babes & grab some authentic tidbits for me) haha. Stupid johan..reached s'pore, act cool & waited for me to contact him first. So happy to be welcoming back my cousins & friends one by one from Canada. Happiness in Canada..would it be brought back to me again? Thou we meet again, but this time in this boring city..i hope the laughter & fun remains. Uh oh..johan gonna be a big bully again to me..wouldn't let me off even in a different state. Meeting Johan tommorow, would be showing him my hostel & do some catching up! Anyway, i told him it seemed really weird when i was speaking to him on the phone, it seemed better if i was the one who have gone to Canada and meet u guys again. Oei, i want maple leafs..snow..freshly plucked strawberries, assemia bubble tea & many other authentic canadian stuff. Gimme tommorow. HAHA. :P
i cried my heart out at 7:50 AM
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Street jazz today sorta became contemporary ballet. Haha. Alyssa & I thought that it was not hip & funky for today's lessons.Anyway, we are outta of our minds as we are going for step groove(mind you,step groove is crazy!!! It's fast & energy consuming) & girls hip hop straight in a row for two hours. I doubt i can survive tommorow. Trust me. See me go crazy tommorow during step groove lessons. I hope i wouldn't have tears welling up in my eyes. *Pray pray.
Time to sign up for new dance packages again. I would probably sign up for a year package this time, I must continue & remind myself not to give up. Stella is determined to be a dancer,even if it's just for interests & not professional.
I went for my Uncle's birthday dinner in the evening. They were talking bout my illness & some suggested for me to undergo blood transfusion (something like change the blood in my whole body) but i don't think its possible if not the doctor would have suggested it long ago. Anyway,wanted to tell them that i am not really keen in the idea of going for treatments but i don't wanna be a spoil sport for my Uncle's birthday so i decided to keep quiet. Will talk to my parents when the right time comes.
Street jazz today sorta became contemporary ballet. Haha. Alyssa & I thought that it was not hip & funky for today's lessons.Anyway, we are outta of our minds as we are going for step groove(mind you,step groove is crazy!!! It's fast & energy consuming) & girls hip hop straight in a row for two hours. I doubt i can survive tommorow. Trust me. See me go crazy tommorow during step groove lessons. I hope i wouldn't have tears welling up in my eyes. *Pray pray.
Time to sign up for new dance packages again. I would probably sign up for a year package this time, I must continue & remind myself not to give up. Stella is determined to be a dancer,even if it's just for interests & not professional.
I went for my Uncle's birthday dinner in the evening. They were talking bout my illness & some suggested for me to undergo blood transfusion (something like change the blood in my whole body) but i don't think its possible if not the doctor would have suggested it long ago. Anyway,wanted to tell them that i am not really keen in the idea of going for treatments but i don't wanna be a spoil sport for my Uncle's birthday so i decided to keep quiet. Will talk to my parents when the right time comes.
i cried my heart out at 7:54 AM
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Thank you gracie..for taking time & effort to write that letter to me. I know i must have given lotsa worries to the clique for the past one year.
Yeap, there are sure many things that i don't understand & i have not found the purpose in my life. U know, as i was writting out the previous entry, i was wondering if i should post it up in my blog. Cos i know there would be lotsa people who are gonna voice their comments esp from the other side. But then again, i felt that since it is my blog & if that was what i truly felt, why can't i express them out instead of keeping it mum.
At least i dare to express my unhappiness. And if i'm gonna keep it silent in my heart, don't i seem like a hyprocrite. And for those people who have not been in my shoes & dying to fight back, would you truly understand the pains that i've gone through. It was not just a break-up if you think it's that simple. I had break-ups before, this wasn't the first time. There must be reasons why i have so much anger in this r/s & not others. so please don't stick your heads in.
As for what i wrote, Clarence know them. Clarence knew that i'm angry & could not seem to forgive him. U know how long did i try to put my past aside to start afresh & be happy, and when this thing came toppling down on me, i had to crawl up right from the start again. Most of the times, i do cry out to god & ask god to help me forgive him. It is not easy to have hatred in the heart, it only breaks & angers me. I prayed & read the bible yesterday & it came to me this phrase 'love not just your neighbours but your enemies'
So i hope everything that i'm mad at, would be gone with the wind with that entry after pouring out my unhappiness. Then i would be able to start afresh.
Thank you gracie..for taking time & effort to write that letter to me. I know i must have given lotsa worries to the clique for the past one year.
Yeap, there are sure many things that i don't understand & i have not found the purpose in my life. U know, as i was writting out the previous entry, i was wondering if i should post it up in my blog. Cos i know there would be lotsa people who are gonna voice their comments esp from the other side. But then again, i felt that since it is my blog & if that was what i truly felt, why can't i express them out instead of keeping it mum.
At least i dare to express my unhappiness. And if i'm gonna keep it silent in my heart, don't i seem like a hyprocrite. And for those people who have not been in my shoes & dying to fight back, would you truly understand the pains that i've gone through. It was not just a break-up if you think it's that simple. I had break-ups before, this wasn't the first time. There must be reasons why i have so much anger in this r/s & not others. so please don't stick your heads in.
As for what i wrote, Clarence know them. Clarence knew that i'm angry & could not seem to forgive him. U know how long did i try to put my past aside to start afresh & be happy, and when this thing came toppling down on me, i had to crawl up right from the start again. Most of the times, i do cry out to god & ask god to help me forgive him. It is not easy to have hatred in the heart, it only breaks & angers me. I prayed & read the bible yesterday & it came to me this phrase 'love not just your neighbours but your enemies'
So i hope everything that i'm mad at, would be gone with the wind with that entry after pouring out my unhappiness. Then i would be able to start afresh.
i cried my heart out at 10:11 PM
if i don't remove all these thorns from my heart, i would not die peacefully.
don't inflict pain to others if you don't want them to do to you.
don't lie through your teeth when your words would go through God before i hear them.
don't portray like a good son; a good boyfriend; a good friend.
don't act like you cared when the actions you showed were clear like crystals.
don't tell me you have learn to be a better boyfriend from the r/s of ours.
don't say 'i love you' that means 'you love i' tilted in your own world.
don't ask your best friends, family to lie to me & think i'm gullible.
don't scold me for not having trust in you when you really do things that cannot be trusted.
don't identify yourself as a christian when the things you've done shamed god.
don't think that by mending it on other people, you can mend the hurts on the one u previously hurt.
don't say the things u don't mean cos its worthless no matter how you try to make it sound smoothing to the ears.
don't take a guinea pig for a ride & kill it after you had enjoy the thrills.
dont say how much you wanna spend the rest of your life with the person but you continue to stray looking for better preys.
don't ever fall in love at the wrong time with a wrong person.
don't pretend to throw away bernice stuff to gain my trust.
don't say you have no intentions of hurting someone when all your actions have clearly wounded the person.
don't come up with tricks of making someone feel guilt when you are the one who did the wrong stuff.
don't think you can get away with everything just becos you've got away with one thing.
don't think the lessons you've learnt was free, you gotta pay when judgement day comes.
don't say i'm the girl you really wanna marry when you say that to any lucy, mary, jane girl.
don't always tell me 'that is what you think & what you think is wrong' but most of my intuitions were right.
don't act like a loser just because you know you can't win in that situation.
don't say you didn't love me a little but alot during our r/s. you don't hurt the person you love.
don't think by getting into another r/s, you have avoided everything in the past.
don't tell me there was love in our r/s when you don't even bother bout my problems.
don't even talk about love when you don't know how to love.
don't always need girls beside you. you won't die because of that.
don't accuse me of the the things you've heard cos your friends say i'm difficult but so are they.
don't pretend to cry when i looked for you & you told me that i've hurt you too much & you can't be with me but it was becos u were already in a new r/s.
don't tell me u will settle stuff with the girl when you never wanted to leave her.
don't always doubt me when the person who is doubtful is u.
don't mislead other girls to fall for you & then tell them that u've got a gf.
don't say u love me, when you only hurt me. Not once..but perpetually.
don't ask me to come back to you just because you can't stand other people of having me.
don't act in front of me that our photos/stuff were precious to you when it is chucked in a corner replaced by new photos of your new r/s.
don't regret being with me & if you think i gave u hell thereafter, u gave me more than hell.
don't say you have been extremely nice to me for buying me gifts/bringin me to nice places for dinner. U done that for every girl. Where have u been when i really needed you?
don't apologize for the things you've done & still repeat the apologies again. Then what does 'Sorry' really means? In your dictionary, it means 'i am sorry only for that few seconds.'
don't think you are a king when you've got people falling upon your feet in this earthly world. you will realize you are just a speck of dust.
what have i done in this r/s that hurt you? Nothing. U think you've got hurt because you choose to believe what your friends say instead of my truth. Blame who.
don't anger when you read this cos the anger is upon your own wrong doings. the anger inside me is truly infinity. But i don't blame you totally cos i blame myself for my foolishness.
Busybodies, pls F off. Its none of your business including Mr Clarence Ee's gf, it's between the both of us. Don't comment when u don't know the truth. Thank you.
i cried my heart out at 7:50 PM
Monday, July 18, 2005
Johan, back from Taiwan already or not? Or decided to stay there because of the taiwan babes? Haha.
Oops someone's gonna haunt me for his yakult green apple pretty soon. Prata? Sun tanning at Sentosa? That's our promise made in Canada. Hurry come back lah! S'pore has lottsa babes too. Haha. Don't fall for those cheena ones in Taiwan. I'll help u search for one in Sentosa okie!
Johan, back from Taiwan already or not? Or decided to stay there because of the taiwan babes? Haha.
Oops someone's gonna haunt me for his yakult green apple pretty soon. Prata? Sun tanning at Sentosa? That's our promise made in Canada. Hurry come back lah! S'pore has lottsa babes too. Haha. Don't fall for those cheena ones in Taiwan. I'll help u search for one in Sentosa okie!
i cried my heart out at 7:10 PM
jibun no jinsei wa dai kiraii desu. Itsumo, itsumo. demo atashi wa gan barimasu. hai, kitto! shin ji te. kami sama, mou sukoshii dake. Onegai shimasu. arigatou.
dansu wa totemo dai sukii desu..dakara atashi gan batte. Jyozu jya nai..hai itsumo soo desu.. hip hop dansu to street jazz wa suugoii ne, demo muzugashi. tai hen da ne!! hitori wa gan batte.
Kare wa itsu e kimasu? atashi hitoride..mai nichi tsumaranai. hontou ni sabiishi. Eto....mmm..kare wa donna hito desu ka? Zen zen wakaranai. Ai tai yo. ni hon jin no otoko wa aitai. Warui no otoko da me. da me.da me. Ne...atashi nani mo hanashimasen. Jya, konbanwa. Sore ja. jya ne.
i cried my heart out at 3:48 AM
I want a better life. And that means that i need changes.
I guess there are many areas that i wanna change.
I better find myself first before i make all these changes. That's why i need time alone to think it through.
All the things that i went through, must mould me. To see things in more perspective & to react maturely. But once i've learnt, i'm gonna erase every bad things & hope they wouldn't affect me in my future.
Most important things i've learnt is to listen to people's advice & not always trust my intuitions or be stubborn & resist them. I realized many things that i've done wrong was because i rather listen to myself & still continue to do the wrong things when i know it is wrong.
The second thing i've learnt is to look out for people's actions. Many times people's actions are kinda clear that they will harm me but i choose to ignore & think that they would change, but still they turn out to be people who betray me. I don't want to end up as the victim all the time.
I'm old enough. I must be able to differentiate between right & wrong, good & bad. I made a long prayer to god today, hopefully he heard me.
'People has always been singing, to ease the pains of the heart. Music is the key..that sets me free.' That is why i love dancing. I changed into a total different person when i dance & enter into a world that belongs to mine..
i cried my heart out at 12:26 AM
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Tada...My good clique! Okie okie i'm the odd one out. When others dressed like lawyers or doctors, supposed to be looking smart...I dressed to be looking smart casual. But i was wearing pants for the graduation ceremony. This pic was taken after.
Tada...My good clique! Okie okie i'm the odd one out. When others dressed like lawyers or doctors, supposed to be looking smart...I dressed to be looking smart casual. But i was wearing pants for the graduation ceremony. This pic was taken after.
i cried my heart out at 3:59 AM
Saturday, July 16, 2005
Daniel, the dance instructor whom taught us girls hip hop on thursday can really move..better than those female instructors. Initially, i taught it would be weird for a guy to teach us 'girls' hip hop but i guess me, alyssa & amy were too impressed with his groove. And yes once u look at him, you know he is the instructor who teaches J/K pop jam. Even when we were dancing that day for hip hop, we were dancing to japanese pop songs by Namie Amuro, if i ain't wrong.
I really think he look alot like my sister's ex-japanese boyfriend- Taiki Matsueda. Haha. Amy agreed with me. Oops but i think that day my mood was really bad & so i was irritated with him for teaching us extremely fast steps (esp the part when we had to get down on the floor & do so many leg stunts on the floor before we crawl up) that i wanted to kill him. I gave him a super weak smile when i left the studio & amy smiled & said bye to him. Ugh. He is gonna remember me..cos even during the lessons, there was a time i was so mad that i just stood there, stop dancing & frown at him & he came right in front of me to guide me. But i didn't have the mind to absorb even though he tried his best. I'm dead. I don't dare to apppear in any J/K pop jam lessons of him again..unless i disguise myself. Boohoo.
Spring cleaning for my new room almost completed. Gonna move in my mini tv, mini fridge & mini cooker & i'm done. I hate jurong but well its gonna be my habitat for the next few months. I will only officially move in this coming sunday..hopefully i can tug my BEAR in with me as well. I need a company & hug her to sleep! My roomie will grow to like her, wouldn't she? My bear is irresistably cute..& fat..hahaha. My precious possession.
Daniel, the dance instructor whom taught us girls hip hop on thursday can really move..better than those female instructors. Initially, i taught it would be weird for a guy to teach us 'girls' hip hop but i guess me, alyssa & amy were too impressed with his groove. And yes once u look at him, you know he is the instructor who teaches J/K pop jam. Even when we were dancing that day for hip hop, we were dancing to japanese pop songs by Namie Amuro, if i ain't wrong.
I really think he look alot like my sister's ex-japanese boyfriend- Taiki Matsueda. Haha. Amy agreed with me. Oops but i think that day my mood was really bad & so i was irritated with him for teaching us extremely fast steps (esp the part when we had to get down on the floor & do so many leg stunts on the floor before we crawl up) that i wanted to kill him. I gave him a super weak smile when i left the studio & amy smiled & said bye to him. Ugh. He is gonna remember me..cos even during the lessons, there was a time i was so mad that i just stood there, stop dancing & frown at him & he came right in front of me to guide me. But i didn't have the mind to absorb even though he tried his best. I'm dead. I don't dare to apppear in any J/K pop jam lessons of him again..unless i disguise myself. Boohoo.
Spring cleaning for my new room almost completed. Gonna move in my mini tv, mini fridge & mini cooker & i'm done. I hate jurong but well its gonna be my habitat for the next few months. I will only officially move in this coming sunday..hopefully i can tug my BEAR in with me as well. I need a company & hug her to sleep! My roomie will grow to like her, wouldn't she? My bear is irresistably cute..& fat..hahaha. My precious possession.
i cried my heart out at 11:58 PM
Friday, July 15, 2005
Couldn't get to sleep so i just popped some pills. Some remedy for stress-relieve not to worry, not drugs.
By the way, everyone who knows that i'm so disappointed with my hostel...the good news...i have moved! No more hall four! All thanks to my mum who can talk really well & i managed to appeal to stay near my friends cos of my medical reasons. Thank god too. Well, hmm...i've decided not to disclose which hall i am staying cos there are too many passerbys in my bloggie. I prefer to keep it personal. But to the gals, haha i am staying like 4 doors away from Meijiao & Jeslyn. We are gonna be neighbours. Its perfectly clear which hall i am staying yea.
As for those friends who wanna know which hall i am living in, i would tell ya or even invite you to my new room! I've collected my key today. And u know what gals..i am so glad that i did not receive a big present when i went into my room. That was a 'joke' i told ruth. What big prezzie was that? Alright..i am keeping others in suspense yea. Okie okie...Meijiao & Jeslyn got their key to their hostel & found a really disgusting present left behind in their room. Er hem..a used condom & jeslyn said the girl checked out from the room last week. No joke yea & we were so disgusted by it. The beds were really 'dirty' & they had to change it. Well, i don't really dare to sleep on my bed as well, gona bring my own matteress & stack on top of it.
I'm gonna spring clean the new room & move in my stuff on sunday. I'm gona miss my home & my own room. Today the orientation leaders from my hall were mostly guys & they kept buggin to join the orientation camp. Ugh. I couldn't lie to them that i wasn't staying in that hall, cos they actually went into the office with me & stood beside the receptionist when i was collecting my key. In other words, they know which room i am staying. Quite rude. Well they are our hall leaders who take care of us. They even told me that i am staying with a senior who is their good friend. HUH.i filled up the survey form they gave me askin if i was interested in any hall activities & i was rather blant to tick 'No' for everything & passed back to them. Haha. Alright i'm quite rude too.
Well, not excited but kinda scared. But i'm really relieved to be staying near friends instead of being all alone in that 'ulu ulu' hall four.
Couldn't get to sleep so i just popped some pills. Some remedy for stress-relieve not to worry, not drugs.
By the way, everyone who knows that i'm so disappointed with my hostel...the good news...i have moved! No more hall four! All thanks to my mum who can talk really well & i managed to appeal to stay near my friends cos of my medical reasons. Thank god too. Well, hmm...i've decided not to disclose which hall i am staying cos there are too many passerbys in my bloggie. I prefer to keep it personal. But to the gals, haha i am staying like 4 doors away from Meijiao & Jeslyn. We are gonna be neighbours. Its perfectly clear which hall i am staying yea.
As for those friends who wanna know which hall i am living in, i would tell ya or even invite you to my new room! I've collected my key today. And u know what gals..i am so glad that i did not receive a big present when i went into my room. That was a 'joke' i told ruth. What big prezzie was that? Alright..i am keeping others in suspense yea. Okie okie...Meijiao & Jeslyn got their key to their hostel & found a really disgusting present left behind in their room. Er hem..a used condom & jeslyn said the girl checked out from the room last week. No joke yea & we were so disgusted by it. The beds were really 'dirty' & they had to change it. Well, i don't really dare to sleep on my bed as well, gona bring my own matteress & stack on top of it.
I'm gonna spring clean the new room & move in my stuff on sunday. I'm gona miss my home & my own room. Today the orientation leaders from my hall were mostly guys & they kept buggin to join the orientation camp. Ugh. I couldn't lie to them that i wasn't staying in that hall, cos they actually went into the office with me & stood beside the receptionist when i was collecting my key. In other words, they know which room i am staying. Quite rude. Well they are our hall leaders who take care of us. They even told me that i am staying with a senior who is their good friend. HUH.i filled up the survey form they gave me askin if i was interested in any hall activities & i was rather blant to tick 'No' for everything & passed back to them. Haha. Alright i'm quite rude too.
Well, not excited but kinda scared. But i'm really relieved to be staying near friends instead of being all alone in that 'ulu ulu' hall four.
i cried my heart out at 10:45 AM
I am fine thak you. I'm still going on with my life & i did not mention of giving up.
I just hope my life really gets better somehow. People who are standing with me all the time through bad times, i really admire you guys for giving up your time just for me. i know that i have people who really care for me & i know who you are, hugs.
i will learn. Til the day of my last breath.
i cried my heart out at 9:05 AM
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Thank u girls for trying to pick me up. I just hope u guys know that its not an entry of pessimism, but an entry of my whole life. And if it looks pessimistic to you, that's what my whole life has been.
Many of you know me when i was twenty so you guys didn't exactly know what i went through as a child. Yesterday i was asking god, why am i born as Stella and why am i born into a messed-up family. It might seem that my childhood mould me to be stronger, but i guess my character of getting bullied easily was developed from there.
Now, i would like to express this thought of mine kept for a long time. Alot envy me, for being able to get everything i want or desire. Like if i wanna get a PDA, a laptop, sign up for dance classes, go to Canada etc etc, i seemed to get all of them pretty easily. But have you guys ever thought that whatever gained that i've got that you could see, you have never really seen the things i've lost.
I've lost too much things in life that even when i was still a child, i told myself that i'm gonna make my life a better one when i grow up. That is why i try to get whatever i want, to make my life a little happier. I'm always trying to cover up for all my losses for my childhood.
Yes it might not sound so bad when i say that we moved house eight times just to avoid my dad, i only had my 'mummy' to call since i was three and i was contented with that, the scoldings, beatings & ignorance from my mum when i talked to my dad, the sarcastic remarks from my dad family's scolding us for being jinxs to take money from our dad when we were forced to go out with him by the lawyer. I had to take all that since the age of three.
I thought life would be better...i came to realized that was 'molest' and i was so glad that he didn't become my step-father. Life became so complicated. Nobody could see the pains i went through to build a better r/s with my step father. It took five years and the five years were hell for the whole family. my ex-dad knowing that i'm someone who listens to him & can be made use easily of, he made use of me, my own dad & my mum brought me to court & was almost sent to juvenile delinquant & i hated her like crazy at that time. Only to realized at the end of the day, it was my dad that i should hate.
I feel that i'm someone who has to take a long route to everything i do. At the age of 22, i only managed to get a diploma which i wasn't proud of & that was why i didn't bother even if my parents didn't come to the ceremony. I've always try to work hard in my studies cos i ain't good at anything and make my parents proud when i managed to get scholarships or director's list. But whatever i've got, had to be acheived double the time compared to others. This year was sort of a disappointment because of that incident, i know they were not disappointed with me, but i was disappointed with myself for letting them down.
I was thinking, what is there for me to remember throughout this twenty-two years of my life? My answer was 'i wished i could erase them as if they were pencil marks' but they were scar marks in my heart. The only time i was the happiest was the time i was in Canada. I only wanna remember that. Nothing else. How is my life gonna be better when at this young age, i gotta go for treatments to prevent my liver from further damage. So that is why i think my life is a joke. People i love seem to like to hurt me a whole lot. And i always trust the wrong person. To the point, i dont wanna trust anyone. i don't wanna love anyone now except for my family & friends who really care for me.
Thank u girls for trying to pick me up. I just hope u guys know that its not an entry of pessimism, but an entry of my whole life. And if it looks pessimistic to you, that's what my whole life has been.
Many of you know me when i was twenty so you guys didn't exactly know what i went through as a child. Yesterday i was asking god, why am i born as Stella and why am i born into a messed-up family. It might seem that my childhood mould me to be stronger, but i guess my character of getting bullied easily was developed from there.
Now, i would like to express this thought of mine kept for a long time. Alot envy me, for being able to get everything i want or desire. Like if i wanna get a PDA, a laptop, sign up for dance classes, go to Canada etc etc, i seemed to get all of them pretty easily. But have you guys ever thought that whatever gained that i've got that you could see, you have never really seen the things i've lost.
I've lost too much things in life that even when i was still a child, i told myself that i'm gonna make my life a better one when i grow up. That is why i try to get whatever i want, to make my life a little happier. I'm always trying to cover up for all my losses for my childhood.
Yes it might not sound so bad when i say that we moved house eight times just to avoid my dad, i only had my 'mummy' to call since i was three and i was contented with that, the scoldings, beatings & ignorance from my mum when i talked to my dad, the sarcastic remarks from my dad family's scolding us for being jinxs to take money from our dad when we were forced to go out with him by the lawyer. I had to take all that since the age of three.
I thought life would be better...i came to realized that was 'molest' and i was so glad that he didn't become my step-father. Life became so complicated. Nobody could see the pains i went through to build a better r/s with my step father. It took five years and the five years were hell for the whole family. my ex-dad knowing that i'm someone who listens to him & can be made use easily of, he made use of me, my own dad & my mum brought me to court & was almost sent to juvenile delinquant & i hated her like crazy at that time. Only to realized at the end of the day, it was my dad that i should hate.
I feel that i'm someone who has to take a long route to everything i do. At the age of 22, i only managed to get a diploma which i wasn't proud of & that was why i didn't bother even if my parents didn't come to the ceremony. I've always try to work hard in my studies cos i ain't good at anything and make my parents proud when i managed to get scholarships or director's list. But whatever i've got, had to be acheived double the time compared to others. This year was sort of a disappointment because of that incident, i know they were not disappointed with me, but i was disappointed with myself for letting them down.
I was thinking, what is there for me to remember throughout this twenty-two years of my life? My answer was 'i wished i could erase them as if they were pencil marks' but they were scar marks in my heart. The only time i was the happiest was the time i was in Canada. I only wanna remember that. Nothing else. How is my life gonna be better when at this young age, i gotta go for treatments to prevent my liver from further damage. So that is why i think my life is a joke. People i love seem to like to hurt me a whole lot. And i always trust the wrong person. To the point, i dont wanna trust anyone. i don't wanna love anyone now except for my family & friends who really care for me.
i cried my heart out at 10:36 PM
Many times i feel that i'm born into this world with nothing to anticipate for, today is no exception.
I seriously think my whole life is nothing but a joke. Born with no intelligence (only trying extremely hard to study pays off), born in a broken family with an idiotic father that does nothing but harm & hurt my family, born with no looks, no talents, no height, no luck, absolute nothing.
I don't know what i've been doing for the past 22 years of my life. Childhood & adolescent period seemed like a complete nightmare and just as i thought my life took a 360 degrees turn, another nightmare came along and it never seemed to cease. Alyssa asked me what i've learnt after my relationship with Clarence. Seriously, though many people told me that i will learn to be stronger, i didn't felt that way. Well, i was forced by this situation to be stronger. The word 'forced' yea. What did i really learnt? I actually learnt the negative things that men cannot be trusted & relationships are full of bitterness. Do i really want to learn all these. NO. But i was forced to..
Why are there so many hurdles i have to go through in my life. And i have no luck with me. I tend to get all the bad stuff since young. I'm not being pessimistic, that's how my life is if i were to replay them in a video. I always thought life seemed to be better when i grew older, but why did god put Clarence into my life, made a mess & mockery out of me. He was lying to me, people around him were lying to me, i simply had enough. Why didn't god see that i'm painful enough & yet throw another burden to me (my illness) and i had to catch them when i'm feeling so heavy within me. Is it not enough god?
I am not blaming god. All i can do is blame myself. i am always seeking answers from god but have yet to receive an answer. Many asked how come i seemed to be handling my illness pretty well, to me, i just feel that if my life were to end short & sweet, it would end the misery in my heart. So if god's plans were to plant this sickness on me to shorten my misery, i would have to accept that.
I'm simply so stressed up. Esp when it comes to dancing today, i felt like a useless idiot. I almost burst out crying during lessons today. Everything was in my mind, plus i can't get the fast-paced steps & i just felt like wailing and said i give up. But i know i aint a kid, i must know how to control my emotions & that made me felt even worst. Controlling, controlling..how many times in life have i controlled this & that. And i never once got better after controlling. Cos it was just putting my angers, my fears, my agony inside my heart & trying to pull through that period but the scar remained there.
How many people in my life do i have to know more that are gonna hurt me? I'm sick to know that. I had enough of men turning my life upside down. First was my flesh & blood dad, next was my boyfriend. I am so fearful of what i've gone through, what else can i expect. Though i'm seriously stressed up by my dance and i know it ain't good for my health, i am not going to give up. Even if it means dying becos of dance, at least i put my efforts in something i love and more worthwhile.
I've been taking pills to calm myself down everyday..free from all the worries so that i'll have a goodnite sleep. I hate everything in my life. I'm really just a failure. What did my r/s really taught me? That i'm not a failure in just my family, studies, well-being but in everything. Should i just resign my life to god. I'm tired. i score badly in everything i do..even when i do try to put my heart & soul to it. god will take me away soon.
pls dont throw burden to me as if i'm extremely strong, i have my limits. it has already exceeded my limits.
i cried my heart out at 8:24 AM
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
It was my graduation ceremony yesterday! I finally received a diploma with the rest of my good friends!
Amy, my cousin was so nice to come down specially to clap for me as nobody was free in my family to come. Haha.
I watched Initial D in the evening yesterday. Well, i thought that the ending sort of sucks. It wasn't a boring show..well there were many pretty faces to look at but the show kinda made me very giddy cos most of the scenes were at the racing tracks & they kept turning & turning. Almost felt like puking.
I saw the poster of 'Wet dreams 2' yesterday at the cinema & realized that it was a korean movie. Gona catch it soon! Finally, i'm going for street jazz today, haven't been dancing since last friday. Looking forward to tonight! Smiles.
It was my graduation ceremony yesterday! I finally received a diploma with the rest of my good friends!
Amy, my cousin was so nice to come down specially to clap for me as nobody was free in my family to come. Haha.
I watched Initial D in the evening yesterday. Well, i thought that the ending sort of sucks. It wasn't a boring show..well there were many pretty faces to look at but the show kinda made me very giddy cos most of the scenes were at the racing tracks & they kept turning & turning. Almost felt like puking.
I saw the poster of 'Wet dreams 2' yesterday at the cinema & realized that it was a korean movie. Gona catch it soon! Finally, i'm going for street jazz today, haven't been dancing since last friday. Looking forward to tonight! Smiles.
i cried my heart out at 9:23 PM
Sunday, July 10, 2005
I'm in total awe today. All thanks to ruth. Thank u ruth, i am still very shocked by what happened in church this morning & i really thanked you for urgin me to meet pastor Francis.
Anyway, the story goes like this. Few days ago, Rufhie msged me & wanted to book me this sunday to come to church as Pastor Francis Khoo would be invited to our church. Since i have not been an obedient girl and skipped church for 2 months & i wanted to find out how 'extraordinary' this pastor is, i agreed.
I was the first in line to meet Pastor Francis for prayers. I was eager to get rid of my problems and wanted to him to pray for me, so i pulled rufhie down to queue right after our church service. Rufhie was telling me that Pastor Francis would know what problems you are facing & tell it right in your face...i was a little skeptical (as in, really?? Will pastor Francis know what i'm thinking & what problems i'm facing?') I can't wait for him to tell me straight into my face.
Then came my turned when Pastor Francis came down. Rufhie was telling pastor 'i need you to pray for my friend(me)' and so he pulled me and suddenly asked 'do you know God', i was kinda surprised by this Q that he asked cos i am a Christian so i said 'Yea i know god'...then Pastor said 'cos god is telling me that you seemed to be distant from him' (Oh my god...when he said that...i started to tear & tear non-stop unknowingly. Cos i've always think that i'm a very 'baby christian' and do not really know much about jesus. I did not attend church and cell group for two months cos i went to Canada and probably also, i am lazy. When pastor told me that Jesus said i was distant from him..i just cried..cos i felt remorseful and sort of felt the hurt that god knows that i'm not putting effort.
This was not the best part. Pastor Francis continued saying 'You are the only one in the family who is a christian' (OMIGOD, how do you know that???? This was the first time i met you and you know me!!!) And he continued 'And you feel that you are very alone and you feel that nobody understands you' (HUHHHHH? Yesterday night, i just told a friend of mine this 'i feel that nobody understands what i am thinking.' I did nothing but teared n teared. Tears just kept dropping as he said what was on my mind. He said something that made me relieved 'Your parents will come to understand you soon'
Remember the post i wrote yesterday. I was feeling so much stress and i don't know why? Pastor told me 'You are now facing alot of pressure from different areas and God will always be there for you to guide you.' Pastor!!!!! Why did you know that i am facing alot of pressure? And its not only one area..that was so true. It's pressure from many different factors!!! But i felt so calmed down when he touched my head and said that Jesus will walk with me. My tears were still running like a tap after he ended the prayers with me. I never understood why my tears would drop without control, without notice each time i'm in church, be it singing songs, praising god etc. I guess this is the love i felt from him & i couldn't express with anything but tears.
I'm pretty shocked the whole day. In a good way i guess cos suddenly i just feel that God has taken my problems away and i'm happier, really much happier today. What happened today proved to me once more that Jesus has always been there to listen to our problems & he really know each and everyone of us. Time & time again, you gave me encounters that really put my faith in you Jesus. Thank you Jesus...In jesus name, amen.
I'm in total awe today. All thanks to ruth. Thank u ruth, i am still very shocked by what happened in church this morning & i really thanked you for urgin me to meet pastor Francis.
Anyway, the story goes like this. Few days ago, Rufhie msged me & wanted to book me this sunday to come to church as Pastor Francis Khoo would be invited to our church. Since i have not been an obedient girl and skipped church for 2 months & i wanted to find out how 'extraordinary' this pastor is, i agreed.
I was the first in line to meet Pastor Francis for prayers. I was eager to get rid of my problems and wanted to him to pray for me, so i pulled rufhie down to queue right after our church service. Rufhie was telling me that Pastor Francis would know what problems you are facing & tell it right in your face...i was a little skeptical (as in, really?? Will pastor Francis know what i'm thinking & what problems i'm facing?') I can't wait for him to tell me straight into my face.
Then came my turned when Pastor Francis came down. Rufhie was telling pastor 'i need you to pray for my friend(me)' and so he pulled me and suddenly asked 'do you know God', i was kinda surprised by this Q that he asked cos i am a Christian so i said 'Yea i know god'...then Pastor said 'cos god is telling me that you seemed to be distant from him' (Oh my god...when he said that...i started to tear & tear non-stop unknowingly. Cos i've always think that i'm a very 'baby christian' and do not really know much about jesus. I did not attend church and cell group for two months cos i went to Canada and probably also, i am lazy. When pastor told me that Jesus said i was distant from him..i just cried..cos i felt remorseful and sort of felt the hurt that god knows that i'm not putting effort.
This was not the best part. Pastor Francis continued saying 'You are the only one in the family who is a christian' (OMIGOD, how do you know that???? This was the first time i met you and you know me!!!) And he continued 'And you feel that you are very alone and you feel that nobody understands you' (HUHHHHH? Yesterday night, i just told a friend of mine this 'i feel that nobody understands what i am thinking.' I did nothing but teared n teared. Tears just kept dropping as he said what was on my mind. He said something that made me relieved 'Your parents will come to understand you soon'
Remember the post i wrote yesterday. I was feeling so much stress and i don't know why? Pastor told me 'You are now facing alot of pressure from different areas and God will always be there for you to guide you.' Pastor!!!!! Why did you know that i am facing alot of pressure? And its not only one area..that was so true. It's pressure from many different factors!!! But i felt so calmed down when he touched my head and said that Jesus will walk with me. My tears were still running like a tap after he ended the prayers with me. I never understood why my tears would drop without control, without notice each time i'm in church, be it singing songs, praising god etc. I guess this is the love i felt from him & i couldn't express with anything but tears.
I'm pretty shocked the whole day. In a good way i guess cos suddenly i just feel that God has taken my problems away and i'm happier, really much happier today. What happened today proved to me once more that Jesus has always been there to listen to our problems & he really know each and everyone of us. Time & time again, you gave me encounters that really put my faith in you Jesus. Thank you Jesus...In jesus name, amen.
i cried my heart out at 2:52 AM
Saturday, July 09, 2005
i duno what has happened to me. i've been quite lazy to go out these few days. As in, even the thoughts of going to town doesn't perk me up. I've been getting irritated quite easily too. Sigh. It's a saturday and i opt to stay at home instead. There is really something weird goin on in my mind.
Anyway, i went to NTU in the morning to have a look at my Hall. Its pretty disappointing, i guess that dampens my mood even further. I happened to peep inside one of the rooms and it's pretty small, dark and stuffy. The windows are really tiny. After that, i went Ikea to get some furnitures and came home. Weather was terrible today..adds more to my irritability.
My new life is approaching real soon. I'll be staying far away from home, getting to know a new roomie (pray that she is similar to me) and i don't know what to expect out of my new school workload and my new life. Not so much of anticipation really. What happened to Stella? Hope her quick-temperness will go off within these few days. Well, i guess losing sleep for the past 5-6 days really played a big part. I get so stressed up for not being able to sleep and sleep well. Doc advised me to have good rest but i couldn't.
I guess i'm surprised that i am coping well with my single life. To the extent that sometimes i wished that i'm being left alone, and have time just by myself. I would either choose to go for dance,or if not just stay at home. Life's pretty boring that way..i mean..if i go for dance (its not boring, i think its kinda fufiling) but wanting to stay at home alone (i guess its kinda sad isn't it). That wasn't how Stella used to be. She always can't wait to go out on weekends & prob will sulk if her weekends plans were spoiled.
Seriously i just hope that life would be better for me when school starts.(i know its difficult, but i just pray hard) Maybe i'm moving into the hostel soon & sch is commencin & because i do not know what to expect, it adds up stress that way. I can't be stress, doc said that stress activates the virus in my body rapidly. So unknowingly, what the doc said kinda made me more stress when i am already so stressed. Get what i mean..Sigh.
Haven't been meeting up with Bren & Ceres for more than 2 weeks...so sorry..Gonna catch up with u guys pretty soon this coming week..finally yea. *Something to look forward to.
i duno what has happened to me. i've been quite lazy to go out these few days. As in, even the thoughts of going to town doesn't perk me up. I've been getting irritated quite easily too. Sigh. It's a saturday and i opt to stay at home instead. There is really something weird goin on in my mind.
Anyway, i went to NTU in the morning to have a look at my Hall. Its pretty disappointing, i guess that dampens my mood even further. I happened to peep inside one of the rooms and it's pretty small, dark and stuffy. The windows are really tiny. After that, i went Ikea to get some furnitures and came home. Weather was terrible today..adds more to my irritability.
My new life is approaching real soon. I'll be staying far away from home, getting to know a new roomie (pray that she is similar to me) and i don't know what to expect out of my new school workload and my new life. Not so much of anticipation really. What happened to Stella? Hope her quick-temperness will go off within these few days. Well, i guess losing sleep for the past 5-6 days really played a big part. I get so stressed up for not being able to sleep and sleep well. Doc advised me to have good rest but i couldn't.
I guess i'm surprised that i am coping well with my single life. To the extent that sometimes i wished that i'm being left alone, and have time just by myself. I would either choose to go for dance,or if not just stay at home. Life's pretty boring that way..i mean..if i go for dance (its not boring, i think its kinda fufiling) but wanting to stay at home alone (i guess its kinda sad isn't it). That wasn't how Stella used to be. She always can't wait to go out on weekends & prob will sulk if her weekends plans were spoiled.
Seriously i just hope that life would be better for me when school starts.(i know its difficult, but i just pray hard) Maybe i'm moving into the hostel soon & sch is commencin & because i do not know what to expect, it adds up stress that way. I can't be stress, doc said that stress activates the virus in my body rapidly. So unknowingly, what the doc said kinda made me more stress when i am already so stressed. Get what i mean..Sigh.
Haven't been meeting up with Bren & Ceres for more than 2 weeks...so sorry..Gonna catch up with u guys pretty soon this coming week..finally yea. *Something to look forward to.
i cried my heart out at 4:07 AM
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Gosh i'm so hungry. Girls hip hop moves are very energetic today. i'm dead beat...alright not quite. Came home and revised the steps today. Its pretty complicated i must say and this instructor loves to get down on the floor.
I just realized that the instructor that taught us girls hip hop today cheorograph the dances for the Cancer charity show last week and this week. I didn't know, so i didn't watch but i'm gonna watch this week as there is a pretty instructor that i liked and she will be one of the dancers. So cool.
When will i become better..............i'm dying to improve....Practise makes purrfect, hopefully for the dumbo like me, it works the same. *laughs at myself. I'm still more comfortable in street jazz classes cos girls hip hop involved lotsa twisting of the body. Somehow must twist the right way and feel comfortable with it if not it looks stiff and weird. Alright..im goin for my shower. HAPPY!
Gosh i'm so hungry. Girls hip hop moves are very energetic today. i'm dead beat...alright not quite. Came home and revised the steps today. Its pretty complicated i must say and this instructor loves to get down on the floor.
I just realized that the instructor that taught us girls hip hop today cheorograph the dances for the Cancer charity show last week and this week. I didn't know, so i didn't watch but i'm gonna watch this week as there is a pretty instructor that i liked and she will be one of the dancers. So cool.
When will i become better..............i'm dying to improve....Practise makes purrfect, hopefully for the dumbo like me, it works the same. *laughs at myself. I'm still more comfortable in street jazz classes cos girls hip hop involved lotsa twisting of the body. Somehow must twist the right way and feel comfortable with it if not it looks stiff and weird. Alright..im goin for my shower. HAPPY!
i cried my heart out at 7:36 PM
I'm goin for pedicure later and gonna buy extra sweat pants for dance. I've only own four, its not enough since i'm goin to the studio almost everyday. *Chuckles.
woah, my abs is really kinda tough n hard now. i'm not very used to it. I can't believe the intensive training really pays off. This is the first time i'm so serious & hardworking. *pat myself on the shoulder 'good girl'. Alyssa really touched my abs and they are no joke yea. Laughs. U're gona have it soon!
Stella is a happy girl today. If only she can be smiling everyday.........
I'm dancing to Miss Teeq 'scandalous' today... 'so so so scandalous' *Smile* *Smile* *Smile*
i cried my heart out at 10:48 AM
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Thank god i went to class today. The instructor taught most of the steps that i've long to learn. Didn't regret goin! She also taught the L.A. walk..haha..that's what its named. Alyssa, remember the teacher who taught hip-hop yesterday (emilin), she is the instructor for street jazz today. Cool. I kinda like her lessons. I'll attend every wed class cos she is the permanent instructor.
There is a guy today in our class standing beside me and each time we turned to the left, i will hit him..haha..cos he would stand there and not move. Phew, thank god that i've improved a little bit..at least not the slowest in the class for the past few lessons. Hopefully its due to my practise. But still i'll be abit slow if she were to switch on the music and we gota dance right from the top steps and linked all of the steps together at fast pace.
Johan i ask you, we danced to a music today but i don't know the tittle. Do u remember Ber like to play this song in the car that goes 'Shake, shake shake your ass girl!' Is it by 50 cents? What's the tittle? Let me know ya. Thank u!
Update: Hey Johan, i found out the song name, it's called 'disco inferno'..Heehee!
Thank god i went to class today. The instructor taught most of the steps that i've long to learn. Didn't regret goin! She also taught the L.A. walk..haha..that's what its named. Alyssa, remember the teacher who taught hip-hop yesterday (emilin), she is the instructor for street jazz today. Cool. I kinda like her lessons. I'll attend every wed class cos she is the permanent instructor.
There is a guy today in our class standing beside me and each time we turned to the left, i will hit him..haha..cos he would stand there and not move. Phew, thank god that i've improved a little bit..at least not the slowest in the class for the past few lessons. Hopefully its due to my practise. But still i'll be abit slow if she were to switch on the music and we gota dance right from the top steps and linked all of the steps together at fast pace.
Johan i ask you, we danced to a music today but i don't know the tittle. Do u remember Ber like to play this song in the car that goes 'Shake, shake shake your ass girl!' Is it by 50 cents? What's the tittle? Let me know ya. Thank u!
Update: Hey Johan, i found out the song name, it's called 'disco inferno'..Heehee!
i cried my heart out at 7:05 AM
Missy elliot 'Work it', its a very groovy song to dance the hip hop style. ra ta ta ta ta tata ta...
but i guess my favourite song for dance would be Ashanti 'Only you'..sucha sexy song!!!! very suitable for girls hip hop. 'Oh, i can't wait to get next to you..Oh i just can't leave u alone.'.. 'And only u can make feel..and only u can take me there...' I'm so addicted to this song. *Beams*
Yeah! I've got street jazz in the evening..even though i'm not feelin quite well today, i am dying to go for classes to learn new steps. Haha. Tomorrow alyssa is gonna join me & amy for girl's hip hop. Can't wait right girl? She went to the studio with me yesterday to watch the hip hop class & fell in love with it. U're gonna be so good man, you're able to catch the steps fast and yes, show it to the girls who stare at us yesterday that we are better than them. *humph! remember to practise the 'Uh uh uh' steps at home. That's the basic girls hip hop sexy moves! Cya tommorow..better come for street jazz as well. Its your thing.
i cried my heart out at 12:24 AM
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
I would still have to take a shuttle bus from my Hall 4 to NIE. Simply because NTU is huge and my hall 4 is too far distance from NIE. Idiotic. Furthermore, i still gota pay for the shuttle bus. Tsk. So troublesome. The purpose of moving there is to remove the hassle of taking transport to school. But now...Sigh.
I pray it would be a good stay.Dear father, please be with me. Have been hearing lotsa scary stuff bout staying in a hostel. And they kept telling me that there would be thieves and i better be careful with my new imac laptop. Okie sorry Johan, must have made you remember the lost of your favourite watch. Now i'm pretty scared of losin my stuff as well. *frowns
Should i say i'm happy these few weeks? Since i'm dancing everyday without fail. There are still lotsa changes going on and i'm trying to adapt to it. I can move in from the 15th of July onwards & i would be busy 'revamping' my room & settling down before school starts. My appointment with the specialist has been moved to an earlier date, which is 26th of this month and it's only the second day of my school & i've gotta take medical leave. Hmm, mmm...don't tell me my treatment will start earlier then? I don't want to die but i don't want to have treatment as well. Its kind of a torture. Sometimes i think, wouldn't it be better if i make myself happy everyday and even if i were to live a shorter life, i should be contented that way.
Dear harold is right, my life is full of drama. Somehow it can be depicted as a japanese or korean tear-jerker long episodes drama. There will always be a girl who found out that she has illness (usually cancer or leukemia, something like mine), and this man that she loves but can't be with him due to family opposition, misunderstandings, third party etc and then another man who loves this sickly girl & willing to take care of her but the love is not recipocrated. Sounds familiar right. Its always so predictable in dramas. These shows always made me cry buckets and probably i should be watching my own drama somehow. Sigh.
I would still have to take a shuttle bus from my Hall 4 to NIE. Simply because NTU is huge and my hall 4 is too far distance from NIE. Idiotic. Furthermore, i still gota pay for the shuttle bus. Tsk. So troublesome. The purpose of moving there is to remove the hassle of taking transport to school. But now...Sigh.
I pray it would be a good stay.Dear father, please be with me. Have been hearing lotsa scary stuff bout staying in a hostel. And they kept telling me that there would be thieves and i better be careful with my new imac laptop. Okie sorry Johan, must have made you remember the lost of your favourite watch. Now i'm pretty scared of losin my stuff as well. *frowns
Should i say i'm happy these few weeks? Since i'm dancing everyday without fail. There are still lotsa changes going on and i'm trying to adapt to it. I can move in from the 15th of July onwards & i would be busy 'revamping' my room & settling down before school starts. My appointment with the specialist has been moved to an earlier date, which is 26th of this month and it's only the second day of my school & i've gotta take medical leave. Hmm, mmm...don't tell me my treatment will start earlier then? I don't want to die but i don't want to have treatment as well. Its kind of a torture. Sometimes i think, wouldn't it be better if i make myself happy everyday and even if i were to live a shorter life, i should be contented that way.
Dear harold is right, my life is full of drama. Somehow it can be depicted as a japanese or korean tear-jerker long episodes drama. There will always be a girl who found out that she has illness (usually cancer or leukemia, something like mine), and this man that she loves but can't be with him due to family opposition, misunderstandings, third party etc and then another man who loves this sickly girl & willing to take care of her but the love is not recipocrated. Sounds familiar right. Its always so predictable in dramas. These shows always made me cry buckets and probably i should be watching my own drama somehow. Sigh.
i cried my heart out at 8:50 PM
To the guys who have been treatin me really well, i really appreciate everything u guys have done for me but you guys should know the thoughts inside me. I think i have made myself really clear that i have no one in mind and i aint interested in r/s for the time being (it could be quite long). Yeap u can say that i don't trust guys now that's why and i rather place my time and efforts on my dance. I guess its more rewarding at the moment.
so having made myself really clear now, don't waste so much time on me! I will feel bad & I don't wanna hurt anyone as well! This applies to the few guys, not just you okie, if you think that i'm pointing directly at you, no alright! *Smile
i cried my heart out at 7:49 AM
Girl in action..
i cried my heart out at 6:51 AM
A glance of my dance studio from hiding near the door. Hip hop in action
i cried my heart out at 6:49 AM
Now its my turn to be cool and for the big eye girl!!!
i cried my heart out at 6:38 AM
This is for the cool alyssa...Our shots together!
i cried my heart out at 6:34 AM
still feeling lazy and tired...lazing on the sofa..
i cried my heart out at 6:27 AM
A lazy me after my dance
i cried my heart out at 6:26 AM
Monday, July 04, 2005
BITCH. Oooh i feel better. I hate bitches. Don't appear in front of me. B.I.T.C.H.
People whom know me well or for a long time know that i do not give names to people for nothing. So they too know that she piss me off thats why i call her a bitch. It does sound ugly, but her heart is that ugly you see. Fair & square.
BITCH. Oooh i feel better. I hate bitches. Don't appear in front of me. B.I.T.C.H.
People whom know me well or for a long time know that i do not give names to people for nothing. So they too know that she piss me off thats why i call her a bitch. It does sound ugly, but her heart is that ugly you see. Fair & square.
i cried my heart out at 5:47 AM
Ugh!! I called NTU today and got to know that i'm allocated to Hall 4. And its considered one of the expensive hostel. So i thought it was good. I went to check out the website and i was so disappointed! It wasn't the Halls that i liked. Those chalet-liked houses are all Halls 10-16. And its only $5 more than my Hall 4. Idiot. They don't allow freshies to choose!!!
I am so upset!!! I've never seen Hall 4 before and they don't even post pictures of the rooms. Now, it made me really scared. I asked her what's the difference between the cheap rooms and the expensive rooms and she said the structure are different and the expensive hostels will have cleaners to help wash the toilets for us. Hall 3 roomies gota wash toilets themselves. *Phew. BUT i am still feeling so upset i don't know why. (okay maybe bcos the exterior looks plain & normal & i'm upset by ugly stuff)
There is one matter i should jump for joy but i can't. And that is, i was praying to god that i'll get a hostel that i can install air-con. And it happened that among all the halls in NTU, only Hall 4 is allowed to install air-cons and the other halls can only bring in fans. However, my parents do not want to install air-con for me!!!! I wanna cry...they say i can live with a fan cos i'm not gona stay there for long. Oh pls...i never sleep in non air-con room for dino years. I'm not spoilt. But i hate Singapore weather. They don't even wanna get me a cooler. Humph. I guess i gota get it myself. Remember, i am a person who wanna get whatever i want. Urgh..it means i gota spend my own money again.
Expenses expenses..they really make my head grow bigger. My dance classes ain't cheap and i'm like goin so frequently, soon i gotta sign up another new package which gona cost few hundereds again. I need to buy furniture, clothes for school and its all on my own expense. Not forgetting the stupid medical bills that really make me crazy. Ugh...why must my liver be inflammed and don't they know that i'm freakin afraid of injections. Why why why...i'm goin mad.
i cried my heart out at 12:52 AM
Sunday, July 03, 2005
I did so much stuff today. Went for dance class in the morning and i attended 'MTV' class today. Kinda interesting. Phew it was the same teacher who taught girls hip hop and i was like 'oops..its her again..she's gona noticed this lousy student again today!' full of Stressssss..
Hmm, after attending 4 lessons within 5 days, i already have a few audiences going down to the dance studio to watch me. Haha. Its so embarrasing my gosh. I'm lousy, people, pls don't come anymore. *winks. After dance, i went to Suntec, had yami yoghurt, went carrefour to look for some stuff for my dance & hostel. Ooh i got a little surprise from little dalmation. Hmm, he knew that i was looking for VCDS to learn some dance steps and i've got a kylie minogue DVD as a pressie. Thank you, l don't even know you bought it, real blur. Okay, so the surprise was really a surprised.
Who is little dalmation? Ah, never mind. Haha. In the evening i met my family at East coast lagoon for dinner and rushed back to practise my dance for two hours. I pulled my mum into my room and taught her a few steps. She's absorbing quite well. Not bad. But she thinks its really vigourous. I taught her sexy moves as well. haha. so funny to see her dance that way. My mind & heart revolves around dance, dance and only dance! Nothing else!
My instructor likes to go 'i say hey eh, hey eh, i say hey eh eh eh, hey eh eh,uh uh uh' while we are dancing to the music. So cool and fun! Hehe.
I did so much stuff today. Went for dance class in the morning and i attended 'MTV' class today. Kinda interesting. Phew it was the same teacher who taught girls hip hop and i was like 'oops..its her again..she's gona noticed this lousy student again today!' full of Stressssss..
Hmm, after attending 4 lessons within 5 days, i already have a few audiences going down to the dance studio to watch me. Haha. Its so embarrasing my gosh. I'm lousy, people, pls don't come anymore. *winks. After dance, i went to Suntec, had yami yoghurt, went carrefour to look for some stuff for my dance & hostel. Ooh i got a little surprise from little dalmation. Hmm, he knew that i was looking for VCDS to learn some dance steps and i've got a kylie minogue DVD as a pressie. Thank you, l don't even know you bought it, real blur. Okay, so the surprise was really a surprised.
Who is little dalmation? Ah, never mind. Haha. In the evening i met my family at East coast lagoon for dinner and rushed back to practise my dance for two hours. I pulled my mum into my room and taught her a few steps. She's absorbing quite well. Not bad. But she thinks its really vigourous. I taught her sexy moves as well. haha. so funny to see her dance that way. My mind & heart revolves around dance, dance and only dance! Nothing else!
My instructor likes to go 'i say hey eh, hey eh, i say hey eh eh eh, hey eh eh,uh uh uh' while we are dancing to the music. So cool and fun! Hehe.
i cried my heart out at 8:08 AM
Saturday, July 02, 2005
i feel so good dancin!!! Its my aphrodisiac!! I've got so many cool songs for dance practise at home stored in my imac. I danced to music like 50 cents - 'Hate it or love it', 'Candy shop', Mis teeq - 'Scandalous', Missy elliot 'Work it', Ciara 'My goodies' and '1,2 step' and not forgetting Ashanti ' Only you'. Phew street jazz plus hip hop..so fun!
Tommorow's street jazz class is full, so i changed to 'hip hop' instead. Not girls hip hop. They are a little different. Hopefully i won't frown tomorrow. I have been practising hard and inventing new steps for the dance. Day by day, i must get better. I must get a toner body as well!
i feel so good dancin!!! Its my aphrodisiac!! I've got so many cool songs for dance practise at home stored in my imac. I danced to music like 50 cents - 'Hate it or love it', 'Candy shop', Mis teeq - 'Scandalous', Missy elliot 'Work it', Ciara 'My goodies' and '1,2 step' and not forgetting Ashanti ' Only you'. Phew street jazz plus hip hop..so fun!
Tommorow's street jazz class is full, so i changed to 'hip hop' instead. Not girls hip hop. They are a little different. Hopefully i won't frown tomorrow. I have been practising hard and inventing new steps for the dance. Day by day, i must get better. I must get a toner body as well!
i cried my heart out at 12:16 AM
Friday, July 01, 2005
Bad news again today. I've had an appointment at SGH today for a review with the specialist. He told me that the active virus in my body has been mutated (which means changed into another complex form of virus) which is more complicated to treat and will not be easily gotten rid of.
Not just this. He added that i've got to undergo treatment 3 months later. Injections every week, EVERY WEEK for a year..which means 52 weeks of injection. And each injection each week cost $500 bucks. Imagine??? I month would cost $2000. so one year adds up to $25000. And it's not as if the injection could heal me entirely. It can only slow down the virus. What the heck. In my mind i was thinkin, i rather not undergo such treatment. I do not print money for leisure.
Silly consultation for 2 mins with him cost $50 bucks. Its crazy. Medical expenses in Singapore kills the people before they even die. He told me to keep my body strong so i told him that i'm undergoin vigourous dancing now. He said its great. So which means, i will keep going for dance classes. It makes me happy so why not.
Oh haha..i just bought the full length mirror today. So delighted & i'm gona practise my dance later again. Thank u little dalmation. laughs.
Bad news again today. I've had an appointment at SGH today for a review with the specialist. He told me that the active virus in my body has been mutated (which means changed into another complex form of virus) which is more complicated to treat and will not be easily gotten rid of.
Not just this. He added that i've got to undergo treatment 3 months later. Injections every week, EVERY WEEK for a year..which means 52 weeks of injection. And each injection each week cost $500 bucks. Imagine??? I month would cost $2000. so one year adds up to $25000. And it's not as if the injection could heal me entirely. It can only slow down the virus. What the heck. In my mind i was thinkin, i rather not undergo such treatment. I do not print money for leisure.
Silly consultation for 2 mins with him cost $50 bucks. Its crazy. Medical expenses in Singapore kills the people before they even die. He told me to keep my body strong so i told him that i'm undergoin vigourous dancing now. He said its great. So which means, i will keep going for dance classes. It makes me happy so why not.
Oh haha..i just bought the full length mirror today. So delighted & i'm gona practise my dance later again. Thank u little dalmation. laughs.
i cried my heart out at 4:49 AM