[Stella's daily confessions. I dare to confess, i love to express & i live to impress]

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Im in a bad mood today, i could snap at anyone anytime. Wonder what my hormones are doing in my body. Im sick and i can't study. I just cant concentrate. I wana go out!! yesterday was supposed to go out with him, but i fell sick. and the plans were cancelled. Had to stay at home and i sort of made him feel more sick by being around me. He was already having a flu and i made him felt worst. I thought he would stay thru the night to accompany me because i was feeling really terrible. Im so afraid that i might run a high fever suddenly in the middle of the night. But he left around 9 plus. he told me that he would come over during the weekends to keep me company. i was really upset that i couldnt go out yesterday and though i was sick, i still had plans about going out today. I dont care because we couldnt celebrate our 10th anniversary on tuesday as he was held up by work. So we decided to make it up during weekends. i knew he was kinda unhappy that i made him felt more sick so i just let him go home without asking him to accompany me.

At night, i was still wondering what i should do tomorrow. Go out for a short while or nearby? I know im crazy but i just dont like to stay at home esp when i had plans. Called him in the morning and he said maybe he was going out with his friend. I don't know why but i got furious. Maybe becos i felt that im sick and he shouldnt go out..yes im selfish. Maybe becos i had plans of going out and he didnt know cos he thought i should be recuperating and thats why he go out with his friend. Maybe i pinned too much hopes when he said he would come and accompany me during the weekends but ended up going out with his friend. Maybe i was hurt that he said he doesnt want to come and see me when i am still feeling sick and dont want to be sick together and he would come to see me when i feel better. Maybe a sick person just wants to have concern when she is feeling really sick and not have someone coming to visit after she got better.

watever,i dont know why i am angry and who i am angry with. I guess im angry with myself for falling sick and thus all these are happening. if i wasnt sick, we would have gone out and my plans wouldnt have been shattered. im always known as not a very understanding gf. Maybe i really am. I am not fit to be in a relationship. I just cant seem to be a good gf. I demand alot of things dont i? I really don't know. but all these are making me feel really unhappy in any relationships. I hate myself alot. i just dont feel like talking to anyone. I need space. I need to make myself feel happier. i cant go on like this forever. They think im torturing them but i feel tortured as well.

i cried my heart out at 1:30 PM