[Stella's daily confessions. I dare to confess, i love to express & i live to impress]

Monday, April 18, 2005

im feeling so stressed!!!Stressed up by my parents!!! Stressed up by my doctor!!!

I was keeping cool actually. I told myself i'm okay. I can accept the bad news. But they are making me feel that its the end of the world.

I went raffles hospital today. Once i walked into the room, the doc looked at me with a serious look. 'Do you know your blood test is very bad.' I looked at her, trying to keep calm and said 'yea, i predicted it.'

She showed me my blood test results & said that my results are way over the normal range of a healthy person. 'Your liver is inflammed.' she said and added that 'MOE can't confirm you now until you go and look for a specialist.' I told her 'I'm leaving for canada next week.' She said..'Maybe you have to cancel your trip..' HUH..is it that serious..She advised me to go for scanning tomorrow again at Raffles Hospital & i have to see a specialist at SGH on thurs. I asked bluntly..'does that mean i have liver cancer...?' She said 'i am unsure, maybe..thats why you must go for a checkup soon.' She warned me that my hep B is very active in my body. The worst results should be around 14 and my results actually showed 28. Its like doubled..

I called my parents & they were so worried. Called up my family doc & called the travel agency. Wanted to cancel my trip as the doc say i should not travel. 'What the....why everything seems so last minute?' I came home & they were blah...ing...& my calm mood became agitated. I said 'Don't make me feel so stress. Don't stress up yourself. Then you will make me more stress.' They kept asking me to think about cancelling my trip to Canada. I know they are stress..but i told them the person who should be more worried & stress is me. Don't add stress to me.

I am not surprised by what the doc says today.I went there prepared when they called me two days ago to come down for review. 2 years back,my GP told me that im 212 times higher chances of getting liver cancer than normal people. Since now my liver is inflammed & its irreversible, what can i say. Now i might have to cancel my air tix & might not have refunds. I don't mind going still...since i told them 'im sick..so why dont just let me go enjoy myself.' Then my parents said they don't want my condition to aggrevate. Well, i guess im taking it lightly am i? I just wanna enjoy every bit of my time. I don't know how long i still have to live. Cos my dear friends..we study about cirrhosis..& we know its no way out & no cure. I wanna stay happy. Can you people make me happier..u guys already did..thank you so much..

i cried my heart out at 8:17 PM