[Stella's daily confessions. I dare to confess, i love to express & i live to impress]

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Thank you for that little post for me. I am touched by what you've said & i always feel that i'm a little lost girl that needs you to help me point out directions for me to walk. Its extremely irritating i know,esp when you advise me ample times & yet I refuse to heed them. You are right,i need to fall down alot of times til i'm numb to it that's when i start to learn.

I'm someone who is a coward. Who doesn't dare to move out of my comfort zone & remain there even when i foresee danger. Maybe its a 'come what may' attitude. I'm trapped & im tired as well. I wanna walk out of it, but i guess im so fragile. Nevertheless, one day, i know i can make it right? Just as long as i wanna build happiness for my future..i will walk out of it.

I calmed myself,its not the end of the world. Yea, i know that my condition isn't fantastic few years back but i didn't expect it to deterioate within 2 years. I'm young & i have not enjoyed & done the things that i desire to. I don't wish to leave like that. I feel that my condition is not going to be an immediate impact, i can still live for maybe many years but i'm just prepared that it's not gonna be a smooth journey for me. My viruses are active in my body, i'm convinced it will multiply & they wouldn't get any better. (its just like AIDS) I also know diagnosed with cancer is no joke becos it requires money & treatments & i'm someone who has phobia of surgery & injections etc. Its a high possibilty of me having cancer, maybe not now but few years later when the viruses spread everywhere. I have to be mentally prepared for the worst then i can take it better.

I really just wish that i'm happy. People ard me don't upset me. And i lead a meaningful life. That's all i wish for..it sounds simple but its actually so difficult to attain it.

i cried my heart out at 10:59 PM