[Stella's daily confessions. I dare to confess, i love to express & i live to impress]

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Many times i feel that i'm born into this world with nothing to anticipate for, today is no exception.

I seriously think my whole life is nothing but a joke. Born with no intelligence (only trying extremely hard to study pays off), born in a broken family with an idiotic father that does nothing but harm & hurt my family, born with no looks, no talents, no height, no luck, absolute nothing.

I don't know what i've been doing for the past 22 years of my life. Childhood & adolescent period seemed like a complete nightmare and just as i thought my life took a 360 degrees turn, another nightmare came along and it never seemed to cease. Alyssa asked me what i've learnt after my relationship with Clarence. Seriously, though many people told me that i will learn to be stronger, i didn't felt that way. Well, i was forced by this situation to be stronger. The word 'forced' yea. What did i really learnt? I actually learnt the negative things that men cannot be trusted & relationships are full of bitterness. Do i really want to learn all these. NO. But i was forced to..

Why are there so many hurdles i have to go through in my life. And i have no luck with me. I tend to get all the bad stuff since young. I'm not being pessimistic, that's how my life is if i were to replay them in a video. I always thought life seemed to be better when i grew older, but why did god put Clarence into my life, made a mess & mockery out of me. He was lying to me, people around him were lying to me, i simply had enough. Why didn't god see that i'm painful enough & yet throw another burden to me (my illness) and i had to catch them when i'm feeling so heavy within me. Is it not enough god?

I am not blaming god. All i can do is blame myself. i am always seeking answers from god but have yet to receive an answer. Many asked how come i seemed to be handling my illness pretty well, to me, i just feel that if my life were to end short & sweet, it would end the misery in my heart. So if god's plans were to plant this sickness on me to shorten my misery, i would have to accept that.

I'm simply so stressed up. Esp when it comes to dancing today, i felt like a useless idiot. I almost burst out crying during lessons today. Everything was in my mind, plus i can't get the fast-paced steps & i just felt like wailing and said i give up. But i know i aint a kid, i must know how to control my emotions & that made me felt even worst. Controlling, controlling..how many times in life have i controlled this & that. And i never once got better after controlling. Cos it was just putting my angers, my fears, my agony inside my heart & trying to pull through that period but the scar remained there.

How many people in my life do i have to know more that are gonna hurt me? I'm sick to know that. I had enough of men turning my life upside down. First was my flesh & blood dad, next was my boyfriend. I am so fearful of what i've gone through, what else can i expect. Though i'm seriously stressed up by my dance and i know it ain't good for my health, i am not going to give up. Even if it means dying becos of dance, at least i put my efforts in something i love and more worthwhile.

I've been taking pills to calm myself down everyday..free from all the worries so that i'll have a goodnite sleep. I hate everything in my life. I'm really just a failure. What did my r/s really taught me? That i'm not a failure in just my family, studies, well-being but in everything. Should i just resign my life to god. I'm tired. i score badly in everything i do..even when i do try to put my heart & soul to it. god will take me away soon.

pls dont throw burden to me as if i'm extremely strong, i have my limits. it has already exceeded my limits.

i cried my heart out at 8:24 AM