[Stella's daily confessions. I dare to confess, i love to express & i live to impress]

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

YEAH!!! Today i had my last paper! Before i went to school to take my exams, i had to do something important..

Darling rachel stayed at my house yesterday night. She was concerned that i was admitted to the hospital and even bought me chocolates and sweets.. Thank you babe. Thank you for being there for me.

Well, i was asking her 'should i give him back everything?'. She kept slient a moment, looked at me and didnt know what to say. Then i started digging out everything and packed them nicely into a box with all the stuff toys. Everything used to be my precious treasure. Now it meant nothing. I didnt felt unbearable to part with all those stuff. I thought it was the best solution.

Then, i woke up in the wee hours, around 5am to study. After which, i had to drag rachel up as we had to head to his house early in the morning before my exams to return the stuff. I wasn't upset nor did i cry. I wanted to do it before my exams so that i could focus on my papers, with a lightened heart.

After my papers, i came out of the room, feeling a little relieved. My exams were over, finally. I messaged my mum, bcos she has been so concerned about me, msgin me to eat my breakfast and ask me to do well for the papers and not to think about stuff. I said: 'Mummy, today's papers were okay. I could manage the paper because i have already let go of the problem' (she has yet to know that i returned the stuff). Don't worry. I am going out with my friends to enjoy and relax.'

She replied ' This is going to be my best birthday present that i received from you knowing that you are alright and have let go of the problem'. I choked. I almost cried. My eyes were filled with tears. Why? Why such a simple msg telling her that i'm alright would be the best birthday present she ever received? In my heart, i was filled with guilt. I felt so remorseful, that i was breathless for sometime as the tears that i was controlling was choking me. Why did i felt remorseful? Because a month ago, i was quarreling with her over my r/s matters and told her not to interfere with my r/s and i would handle them myself. I told her sternly that i do not wish to quarrel with her and i would not tell her my problems anymore as she would nag at me.

But from that day til now, she has showed unconditional love for me. I couldn't eat for the past few weeks because of my r/s prob. she would suggest to bring me out for sumptous meal, she would buy my favourite food, she would come to me every few hours and try to stuff something into my mouth. While i was crying, she would be there for me to listen to my problems. When i felt weak and couldn't study, she would come to me and gave me a massage, everyday. When i couldn't walk, she had to hurry herself with my dad at 4am in the morning to send me to the hospital. Do i deserved all these? I scolded my mummy and told her to ignore me. I love my mum. I did cry for saying such stuff to her a month ago. I know she loves me and is concerned for me. But i chose to ignore. But she was always there. No matter what.

'Father, i would like to apologise for what i have said that hurt my mum in the past and i thank you father, for giving me such a wonderful mum' Amen.

I went out with the gals for Marche treats and they went for a shopping spree. I guess i was tired, physically and emotionally as the past few weeks have been a terror. I didn't have the mood to shop. Met up with rachel after that and coicidentally met Jason at Far east, as he went to touch up his tattoo. Been a month since we last saw him. Glad to see he is alright too. Suggested that he go walk around with us (went wisma, tangs, topshop to search for presents) and we ended up at Lido 'McCafe' for drinks. Caught up abit with each others' lives.

Took a lift from Jason to go home. Thanks for offering to send me home, otherwise i would have to beat the 1 hour boring bus ride and feel really bored. The vespa ride, was forever cool. I love the strong wind gushing against my skin, felt like it was blowing my troubles away and the thrills of going through narrow gaps in between the cars. The expressway was the best. Remember huh, i become your clubbin kaki from today onwards. U be happy k!

i was thinking of getting a job. A job whereby there is exposure to people. Alyssa, delsise & grace, i was just kidding about the match-making agency huh. Don't worry about me. No rebound periods or in the search for guys. At least i could joke about it ya. Im improving. Just want exposure you know. I have constrained myself too much the last time thinking that it would be unfair to my partner but what the heck. Im single and eligible now, its high time i get exposure.

Plans for myself:
1. Find a job. Flexible,short working hours with er hem, you know the criteria of the 'people'
2. This saturday, confirmed clubbin with just Ceres & rac at Goodwood park hotel
3. Next wednesday, confirmed clubbin at zouk with delsise and alyssa & more people..
4. Next friday, rachel leaving for algeria...sobz
5. Mid april, our HUGE SHOPPING SPREE at Bangkok. ..I need a break man.
6. Mid april, our Dinner & Dance
7. AUSTRALIA or STAR CRUISE..anyone wanna go? excited like a little kid

i cried my heart out at 6:09 AM