[Stella's daily confessions. I dare to confess, i love to express & i live to impress]

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Thank u girls for trying to pick me up. I just hope u guys know that its not an entry of pessimism, but an entry of my whole life. And if it looks pessimistic to you, that's what my whole life has been.

Many of you know me when i was twenty so you guys didn't exactly know what i went through as a child. Yesterday i was asking god, why am i born as Stella and why am i born into a messed-up family. It might seem that my childhood mould me to be stronger, but i guess my character of getting bullied easily was developed from there.

Now, i would like to express this thought of mine kept for a long time. Alot envy me, for being able to get everything i want or desire. Like if i wanna get a PDA, a laptop, sign up for dance classes, go to Canada etc etc, i seemed to get all of them pretty easily. But have you guys ever thought that whatever gained that i've got that you could see, you have never really seen the things i've lost.

I've lost too much things in life that even when i was still a child, i told myself that i'm gonna make my life a better one when i grow up. That is why i try to get whatever i want, to make my life a little happier. I'm always trying to cover up for all my losses for my childhood.

Yes it might not sound so bad when i say that we moved house eight times just to avoid my dad, i only had my 'mummy' to call since i was three and i was contented with that, the scoldings, beatings & ignorance from my mum when i talked to my dad, the sarcastic remarks from my dad family's scolding us for being jinxs to take money from our dad when we were forced to go out with him by the lawyer. I had to take all that since the age of three.

I thought life would be better...i came to realized that was 'molest' and i was so glad that he didn't become my step-father. Life became so complicated. Nobody could see the pains i went through to build a better r/s with my step father. It took five years and the five years were hell for the whole family. my ex-dad knowing that i'm someone who listens to him & can be made use easily of, he made use of me, my own dad & my mum brought me to court & was almost sent to juvenile delinquant & i hated her like crazy at that time. Only to realized at the end of the day, it was my dad that i should hate.

I feel that i'm someone who has to take a long route to everything i do. At the age of 22, i only managed to get a diploma which i wasn't proud of & that was why i didn't bother even if my parents didn't come to the ceremony. I've always try to work hard in my studies cos i ain't good at anything and make my parents proud when i managed to get scholarships or director's list. But whatever i've got, had to be acheived double the time compared to others. This year was sort of a disappointment because of that incident, i know they were not disappointed with me, but i was disappointed with myself for letting them down.

I was thinking, what is there for me to remember throughout this twenty-two years of my life? My answer was 'i wished i could erase them as if they were pencil marks' but they were scar marks in my heart. The only time i was the happiest was the time i was in Canada. I only wanna remember that. Nothing else. How is my life gonna be better when at this young age, i gotta go for treatments to prevent my liver from further damage. So that is why i think my life is a joke. People i love seem to like to hurt me a whole lot. And i always trust the wrong person. To the point, i dont wanna trust anyone. i don't wanna love anyone now except for my family & friends who really care for me.

i cried my heart out at 10:36 PM